The Job Interview That Tried to Kill Me

[LadyC]

This has nothing to do with Clay, but if you like a good laugh at someone else's expense (namely mine), you'll LOVE this little tale.  It is all true, by the way.



The Job Interview That Tried To Kill Me

(Or, if you’re slightly more daring … God Has a Sense of Humor.)

Due to a failed attempt to relocate to Charlotte, NC, my husband and I are both living the colorful lives of Official Desperate Job Seekers.  Yeah, we have virtually NO income, and it blows!  I’ve gone from walking the floor all night wondering how in the world we’re going to pay the rent to that nice, delirious phase that comes just before a psychotic episode … I laugh rather maniacally at pretty much everything.

Today my husband, henceforth referred to as the Couch Troll, had an interview for a state job.  I, too, had a state job interview, but on the other end of town.   Sadly our interviews were a mere 30 minutes apart.  We only have one car that actually runs right now.  (Murphy’s Law and all that.)  So, he dropped me off and then after I finished my interview I would have to stand around like the loser I’ve become waiting for him to pick me up when he finished.  

Now, bear in mind that the facility I interviewed at is a juvenile correctional facility full of young delinquents aspiring to become full blown adult felons.  And, as an added perk, it’s SMACK in the middle of the slimiest, most crime-infested part of the city.  Just keep the visual image in mind as you read the rest of this fiasco.

The interview itself was a piece of cake.  I’ve become a professional due to the rather amusing parade of potential employers I’ve appeared before recently, and nothing can be as intimidating as appearing before a board of physicians and respiratory therapists in the nations 4th largest hospital in Charlotte, NC.  So as they fired questions at me, I answered with an easy voice and smile, all the while thinking, “Bring it on!”  

BIG mistake!

I have some serious problems with my back right now,  Some of them I’ve discovered are to be permanent.  I can no longer do respiratory therapy, or any other form of direct patient care.  Bummer!  3 years of college down the toilet.  Anyway, I didn’t take a pain pill before the interview because I knew I would probably get that warm fuzzy Lortab glow and confess my love for all of God’s creatures and tell them how the world is a big flower and everything is beautiful.  As a result, sitting in the hard chair before the panel was pretty much excruciating.  I tried not to fidget, didn’t want to look nervous, but toward the end I simply couldn’t stand it.  I tried to subtly shift my position in the chair without being noticed.  The chair, however, had other plans.  It creaked – loudly, and sounded just like … you guessed it.  A FART!  Yeah, it sounded like I’d been eating bean burritos for a straight week and was trying to blow a hole right through the floor.  

What does one say in a situation like that?  “Uh … I didn’t just fart.  I swear.”  Sure you didn’t, lady.  Thinking that a fake fart incident was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me on this interview (and I was SO wrong, by the way!) I just smiled and said, “Are all your chairs this talkative?”  Or something equally lame.  Please kill me.

As we wrapped up, one of the interviewers asked me why I chose to leave a career that I had a college degree in.  Used to that one so I had a ready answer.  I calmly explained that my body was tired of the abuse I was giving it so my spine decided to mutiny.  I looked them in the eyes and valiantly told them how, while my condition would no longer allow me to do 45 minutes of chest compressions in the trauma room at 4:00 in the morning, it would in no way interfere with the duties this particular position called for.  And then I confidently stood up … and fell into the table.  My back muscles were having such tight spasms that my legs were nothing more than big, cellulite-ridden, wet noodles.

Looking like a bizarre cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the Elephant Man (I am NOT an animal!!) I limped my way outside to wait for the Couch Troll.

I was in a LOT of pain, and it was HOT.  I was about to bash my own head against the brick building and end my misery when a wonderful, gentle breeze began to blow.  It felt cool on my face, and I smiled, silently thanking God for his impressive timing.

Apparently the Almighty shares my rather dry and sarcastic humor, because before I could utter, “Amen” the gentle breeze turned into a violent wind.  I’m talking Charles Manson violent here, folks.  But wait, it gets better.

The facility wasn’t only in the scary part of town.  It also happened to be right across the street from a huge field of DIRT.  So, while the wind did a passable job of ripping my hair out piece by piece, dirt particles were flying into my eyes at the speed of sound.  I couldn’t see a thing.

Laughing?  Oh, there’s more!

I managed to clear my vision just in time to see a huge plastic garbage bag (empty fortunately) launch like a rocket straight at my face.  I guess I gasped just in time to create a vacuum with my mouth because the thing was sucked to my face like Kenny Chesney’s wranglers to his butt.

Now I’m in Utah’s version of the projects, red hair blowing like some cackling witch, dirt caked in my eyes, and blind with a giant Hefty bag doing its best to smother me.  Suddenly, I felt someone tugging on my arm.  Knowing I was in Gangs R Us territory, and given the stellar events that had already taken place, I was pretty much sure that whoever was grabbing me was about to steal my purse.  There’s no money in it, as I have no job.  But I am not Clay Aiken, and this is not Raleigh.  Standing in line at the DMV to get my license replaced would suck a good 4 hours out of my life.  UNACCEPTABLE!

Farting chair?  Walking like Encino Man?  Gale force winds?  No problem.  But NO ONE was going to get away with stealing my purse!   All I could see was massive facial hair and a hat.  I came out swinging.  Crippled back or not, I am still a redhead!

I only stopped swinging when I felt the rest of the trash bag being peeled off my face and heard a gentle male voice say, “It’s okay, lady.  I ain’t gonna hurt ya.”  He wasn’t trying to rob me.  He was trying to get the plastic off my face.  My perpetrator was actually a hero, and I was a spectacular ass.

I apologized profusely and he laughed.  Then, as he walked away he said, “That’s okay.  I get that reaction from people all the time.”  Well, slap me in the face!  I’d judged him by a brief glimpse of what he looked like – and I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Now don’t I feel like a huge bag of crap!

I sagged to the grass, fighting to keep the wind from blowing my clothes off, and hoped like crazy that the window in the interview room didn’t face in my direction.  Can’t you imagine the employers if they were watching?  “Perfect.  She’s hunched over and can barely walk … and she’s a lunatic, too!  Hire that woman!”

Finally, mercifully, the Couch Troll showed up and I tossed my weary body into the car.  He grinned at me and said, “I went and got pizza.”  Well, now all is right with the world.

So, think I’ll get the job?

[Moonshot]

Oh my goodness...I'm laughing so hard I've got tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing your day with us.  :D

I'm so sorry you had such a day but frankly I'm just glad to know that I'm not God's main source of amusement...as I previously believed myself to be. It's reassuring to know that he does like to spread it around.

[mrs. c.]

LadyC you are killing me here!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you are always so OUTTHERE and I so appreciate your humor!!!

[Sundancer]

Oh, LadyC!

Thank you for posting--I have tears in my eyes from laughing!

God bless you for your sense of humor and your willingness to share it with us.  :

[HavinaClayAffair]

Crying here!! Can't breathe!! Can't see to type this!!! I obviously needed a good laugh..ok UNDERSTATEMENT!!! HUGE LAUGH!!! THAT WAS HYSTERICAL! I think I have hurt myself!!!!!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry to be a blithering idiot at your expense but that was the funniest thing!!!!!!!

PS..The job thing?? In the words of a wise man Clay Aiken "It's just not good!"


Still busting up in Ohio!!LOLOLOLOLOL!!

Lora
I am really sorry...best of luck to you! But you never know..you might fit right in!!

[tessie]

Oh Lady C,

What a day!   At least you got pizza and a ride home!  You should get the job.  You were able to survive major obstacles and laugh to tell about it.  Who wouldn't want to hire someone like that!

[BOZENA]

So, think I’ll get the job

YOU WANT IT ....YOU SHOULD GET IT ...

LADY C ..... I ALMOST P****D  IN MY PANTS FROM LAUGHING....
NEVER BEEN TO UTAH...IS THIS LIKE THAT  MOST OF THE TIME ?????

[MiniMe]

Yeah it's funny alright, but you shoulda seen her when she got home!! Her eyes were all red from the wind and her hair was ALL over!! It was funny!!! : I thought she was cryin'!!

 And no it's not always like this in Utah just when LadyC, my mom (I know I'm not supposed to tell people that cuz I might embarrass you but...),doesn't want it to be!!  :   Nah, I love ya mom!!

P.S.  : mwa ha ha

[LuvMyClay]

LadyC wrote:

The chair, however, had other plans. It creaked – loudly, and sounded just like … you guessed it. A FART! Yeah, it sounded like I’d been eating bean burritos for a straight week and was trying to blow a hole right through the floor.

OMG... I couldn't stop laughing. :  :  :  

Your story was hysterical! :   You are an amazing writer :!: What a day you had.  I've got to share your story with some of my friends. I think you should seek a job as a writer for a sitcom, or maybe a soap. :  You are very talented in the writing department.  Hope you have a better day tomorrow. :roll:

[LadyC]

:D   You guys are the best.  I feel better already.

To answer the question about Utah, actually, yes - it is pretty much always like that.  Not the wind exactly, just the rapid and sudden weather changes.  Instead of Ski Utah, our license plates should read, "Welcome to Utah.  If you don't like the weather, don't worry.  It'll change in 15 minutes."  It was 90 degrees when I arrived at the interview.

I think you should seek a job as a writer for a sitcom, or maybe a soap.  You are very talented in the writing department.

Thanks, LuvMyClay!  You just made my day.  I love to write.  I'm actually working on a book right now.  I write for a local city employees newspaper but this will be my first attempt at serious publishing.  *chews fingernails*  I'm not nervous - not at all.   :

Thanks, everybody.  I feel so much better.  Oh, and MiniMe, I love you, too.  :

[LuvMyClay]

LadyC..... I showed your post to my seventeen year old daughter, she was laughing hysterically.  :  :  :  Now understand, she never thinks anything that involves my life is important, :roll:  but she got such a kick out of your post.  The first thing she said to me was "she should become a writer."

I can't wait to read your book!!!!  : :D

[Jan]

LADY C
NOT, YOU SHOULD BE A WRITER, YOU ARE A WRITER.
WONDERFUL, DESCRIPTIVE, HILARIOUS STORY.
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOUR BOOK COMES OUT, I WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE IN LINE.

SUCCESS!!!!

JAN
KEEPER OF CLAY'S LIPBITE

[wil555]

I was eating a Nutri Grain bar when I started reading this post.

It sounds so surreal, like a bad dream...but it's good you can have a sense of humor about it. If you didn't, you'd probably be a serial killer by now.

Excuse me, I have to wipe the Nutrigrain bar remnants I spewed all over my keyboard.


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All gone. Funny story

[CLAY'SJULIE]

THANKS,LADY C ..I NEEDED THAT!! I WILL BE LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF FOR THE NEXT 20 MINUTES. THAT STORY SHOULD BE IN A NATIONAL MAGAZINE..IT COULD WIN YOU SOME MONEY.  I COULD PICTURE IT ALL HAPPENING..THAT WHOLE EPISODE SHOULD BE TURNED INTO A SITCOM EPISODE..SOUNDS LIKE THE OLD I LOVE LUCY OR CAROL BURNETTE SHOW.   ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK, AND I HOPE YOU GET HIRED,,JUST WHAT A PRISON NEEDS.SOMEONE TO LIGHTEN UP THE PLACE WITH HUMOR.

[sarahdebarah1109]

Sorry you had such a rough day but it made a hilarious story!  I'm glad you shared it.  I had a good laugh  :

[CFCF]

LadyC, you shouldn't be doing "serious writing, you have a delicate and wry sense of humor that really tickles and touches. Try sending that story in to Reader's Digest and a few other mags, I really think you have a winner there.
   If it helps any, my whole family wonders at my constant bad luck, and agree that it's fortunate for them that I suck up more than my share from their universe. I know this sounds improbable, but yesterday the State Police called out a Search and Rescue Team to find my daughter, my walking friend and myself. We found our way out of the Sandia National Forest Wilderness Area before they were fully assembled, but our 35 minute walk starting at 5:30 pm ended WAY after dark at 9:37pm. We misread the map! The dogs were scenting on the bears up there, and I had to act brave and tough so my 9 year old wouldn't freak out. You will NOT believe, that the first sign of human involvement in the wilderness, after a steady 4 hours of walking, was not only a BATHROOM, but it was LIGHTED and had a MIRROR! What more could a girl ask for! We almost lost it tho when we called the state police on my cellphone to tell them we'd found not only a road, but a bathroom!! and that we were only about 1/2 mile from my van and could make it on our own now, and the officer's reply was not "hey let me come give you a ride", but "terrific, then we'll wait here by your van for you"! And he did too!

[Bocaqueen]

Lady C....I too was thinking all along as I read your hilarious account of your miniseries.....she should switch careers....writer it is!

CFCF....OMG...what a harrowing experience.  Thank goodness you found your way although we could have asked Lady C to write your story too (LOL)

[LadyC]

Thanks, everybody, for your support!  What an incredible group of people.  My life is pretty much a circus freak show.  I'm always told that I'm the last person anyone wants to be standing by in a lightening storm.  LOL  

CFCF - Holy sh&%!   :   I am SO grateful that you're all okay!  You definitely have my kind of luck.  Are you somehow related to me?  LOL  Your poor little girl - she sounds like a brave kid.  Thank God for your safe return!

[Prissy]

LadyC,

That was absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a while.  You are indeed a great writer.  I agree with whoever said you should send this in to READER'S DIGEST or evenGOOD HOUSEKEEPING or some of the other magazines!  This is as good as anything they print, if not better!

I am sorry you are having such an awful time, but that you can see the humor in it and share it with us says so much about you. (I am going to pray that the job situations work out for you and your hubby!)

Maybe Wordsmith would have some ideas for you submitting a story to a magazine!

Keep writiing.  We want to read your "stuff."

Prissy

PS:  I saw MiniMe's picture on another thread.  She is a cutie.  I'm glad you are both on this site!

[BOZENA]

LADY C....
I LAUGHED AGAIN...
DID THEY CALL YOU TO OFFER YOU THE JOB ????