EXPRESS YOURSELF

[ACcountryFan]

Prissy: Oh, that's okay! I didn't write down the page numbers of the OCD where i posted the skit. It was the Halloween skit that i had wanted you to re-post over here but i forget what page of the OCD it was on.

I'm working on a new skit right now and i'll be posting it here in a few days. It's a Clay-Man skit. As soon as i can get more information about some things, i'll be ready to post it.

[Prissy]

AC,

I am posting skits by you in the OCD!!

PLEDGE BREAK[/u]

"Howdy, folks! AC here! I'm imploring everyone within the sight of my words {well, this IS on-line...it would be strange if i said all of you within the sound of my voice!} Anyway, words were said between Jerry and i and NOW we're thinking of separating before things get worse. Jerry's threatened to stop funding on all of the skits i write and put on here. You know, it costs money to write a skit. First, there's brain expenses. Second, there's wear and tare on the fingers. Third, i need the money. If i don't motivate you to pick up that phone and call 1-000-987-0000, i am sure our in-studio guests will help i'm sure!!! Clay-Man and his faithful four-legged side-kick, Raleigh-Dawg, are here."

Clay-Man: "Shows like this here action-adventure show i star in for AC, you know...the one called Clay-Man! Well, folks, shows like that, plus many others, would NOT be responsible if it weren't for AC's brain. So, i'm begging you!!! PLEASE!!! Get to that phone and give AC some money to keep his brain AND stomach full. Right, Raleigh-Dawg??"

Raleigh: "Right!"

AC: "Thank you two ever so much!! I hope the people out there realize that brain's aren't cheap. Jerry...if you're reading this tonight! You should be ashamed of yourself for causing me to stoop this low and beg for brain money!!!! I shall put a curse on you right this second!!! #(@*&$(@ and there's MORE from where that came from!!!!"
===============================

meanwhile, Jerry is watching this play out before his very eyes...he's in another part fof town and he immediately calls one of his actresses...
================================

Jerry: "Hello? Prissy...i'm in some serious trouble here!!! AC is making mud of my name and reputation. What do you mean my name is already mud to begin with??? That's besides the point. Anyway, AC has finally went over the deep end here. He's on TV right now begging people to send him brain money. How outrageous is that???"

Prissy: "Well, Jerry...you know what they say!"

Jerry: "You can say that again! What was it you were saying?"

Prissy: "I hadn't said anything yet. Look, when i played the Maestro in the Clay-Man skit, YOU didn't pay ME either!!! AC was the one who paid me. I hate to say it but i'm on AC's side this time, Jerry. You've did nothing but use him and now he's displaying entrepenuer abilities and making money for himself."

Jerry: "BY SAYING THAT I DON'T WANT TO PAY HIM??? That's silly! Let me tell you something ol' AC isn't letting anyone know. It is mighty tough to pay someone brain expenses when they don't even have a brain to begin with. That's right. AC is actually the Scarecrow based on the WIzard of Oz. I found him playing the role in a way-off Broadway play called "The Wizard of Gauze" about the master of all dentists."

Prissy: "My mind's made up! I'm still with AC on this one. Good luck finding a replacement. Let me tell ya...they won't come cheap!"


=================================



SPEAKING OF CASEY KASEM I'LL TUNE THE RADIO TO HIS AT20 COUNTDOWN SHOW AND SEE IF MY SONG, AS SUNG BY YOU, HAS MADE IT TO THE TOP-20 PORTION...HERE WE GO...

Casey: "Hello everyone, I'm Casey Kasem and i'm all ready to countdown the 20 biggest Adult-Contemporary hits in the land. Our survey comes from Radio and Records, the industry's #1 newspaper. Well, we have 1 big debut and so let the countdown begin..."
=============================

time lapse...we're now in the Top-10...

==============================

Casey: "Welcome back to American Top-20. I'm Casey Kasem. Now, on with the coundown! Leaping into the action at #10 is a lady from Utah. But first, let's have a little history about her, first! She was discovered singing back-up in the funk-group The Salt Water Lake City Taffy Troupe which toured all over Utah and did gigs on the weekends for Donny Osmond and she even had the fortunate pleasure of sharing hair-style and make-up tips with Marie Osmond! Now she's on her own with the Osmond's blessing and with all the Salt Water Lake City Taffy Troupe cheering her on! Emily, going under the pseudonymn, Princess Dorkling, is the mystery lady from Utah of whom i am speaking. She's coming on like gangbusters with a whole lotta kissin'...at #10, Princess Dorkling with ACcountryFan's "A Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On"....
================================

A WHOLE LOTTA KISSIN' COMIN' ON
2005 by ACcountryFan; parody of "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On"

Come on over, baby
I feel a Whole Lot of Kissin' Comin' On
I said come on over, honey
A Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On
I am achin'
For a Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On

Come on over, baby
Honey we'll start kissin' in the barn
This barn! My barn! Yes, that barn!
Come on over, cutie
We'll both go a kissin' in the barn
I am achin'
For a Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On

Well let's kiss, baby, kiss
Let's kiss, baby, kiss

Narration:
Now, all ya gotta do is just stand there in one spot and pucker those lips! Yeah...close those eyes...

Ah....come on over, baby
A Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On
I said get on over here, cutie
A Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On
I am achin'
For a Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On

song fades with kissing sounds filling the air!
=================================

Casey: "And that was A Whole Lotta Kissin' Comin' On by Princess Dorkling...our highest debuting song of the week. Coming up, a long-distance dedication from a man who says that he doesn't know where his wife ran off to...all that he knows is that he's a lot happier because of it....details coming up..."
=====================================



I JUST FINISHED WATCHING DISC #1 OF THAT DVD...AND NOW I'M IN A SILLY MOOD AND SO I THINK now IS THE TIME TO POST MY HALLOWEEN STORY...

DRAC-U-CLAY

A short story; a little on the horror side and a little on the far-fetched side and just a slight twisted on the far side; Drac-U-Clay, a love-beast who thrives on love and will stop at nothing to get it...yes, Drac-U-Clay...sleeps by day and is aroused...i mean, awake, by night; Join us as Drac-U-Clay's time on earth is tempted to be short-lived {hahahahaha...i just thought of THAT one....how can the un-dead even have a life to be short-lived...hahahaha...okay, i'll move on...hahahaha...}; Anyway, chasing Drac-U-Clay is that ne'er-do-well Professor Simon Van Cussing and for the purposes of THIS story, he's our villain because Drac-U-Clay is on a mission of love and not fear; Drac-U-Clay DOES have the ability to love a person to death BUT that side of him won't surface...so, i hear that water dripping and i smell that musty scent coming up from the basement...it must mean that Drac-U-Clay is awaking from his daytime slumber...bwahahahahahahaaha...let the silly, goofy, corny, and out-right horror begin...
====================================

Van Cussing discusses his plans of killing Drac-U-Clay with his two co-horts, Paula Ab-fool-Dul and Candy Laxative...
=====================================

Cussing: "It's not a matter of wits and it's not a matter of skill...the way to kill that disgusting sultant of love, Drac-U-Clay, is simply by killing him softly with THIS song about taekwondo...

Dee-dee-dee-da-da-da
Dee-dee-dee-da-da-da
Hey yiaaaaahhhhh!!!
Don't want that wood to come toward me
Don't want that foot to come kick me
I just don't know what else to do
Cause Breaking Boards is So Hard to Do

Now, i know what you all are thinking. Simon Van Cussing, the imperial master of all he knows and the greatest love killer of all-time, has finally flipped his wig! Well, i haven't. I don't even wear a wig. Nail Deplanka is gonna be a smashing hit in Asia by the way. Still, what all do you think about my plans of killing Drac-U-Clay??"

Ab-fool-Dul: "I think it stinks."

Laxative: "A little far-fetched. Nope, not digging that plan, dawg...oops...i made a funny! Digging...dawg...! Bwahahahahahahahaa."

Cussing: "Well, i'll never understand WHY i let myself ask the opinions of such peasants as you two!!! In a few minutes i'm going right over through those Carpathian Mountains and i'm gonna knock on Drac-U-Clay's door and i'm gonna demand he stop all of this love and beauty crap and if he won't break the spell he has over people then i'll have to break it for him. WOW...i shock myself with the brains i have to enable me to come up with plans like that!!! Now...off to kill Drac-U-Clay!!! Let's join hands, skip, and sing-a-long as we go!!!"

Ohhhh...we're off to kill Drac-U-Clay
That sultant of love and songs
Because, because, because, because...
Because of all that lovey dovey crap he does
===============================

Meanwhile...the sun has gone down in the cellar where Drac-U-Clay dwells...
================================

Drac: **yawns and sings: "Oh what a beautiful night-time...oh what a beautiful night..." "Wow...i feel like a million bucks...i know i'm at least a million years old. YIKES...what was that???? MEOW!! Who in the living hell put that cat down here??? Now, kitty...ahhhh...how would you like to become a permanent piece of kitty litter?? MEOWWWWW!!! That's what i thought!!! SCRAM!!!!"
====================================

Drac-U-Clay gets out of his coffin, complains about his arthritus, but goes about his routine...
====================================

Drac: "That coffin lid is a bit squeaky...i gotta get it oiled one of these nights. Speaking of oil, i wonder what the fuel prices are over in the states!?!? I oughta stop subscribing to the Wall Street Urinal but they do such great work reporting the stocks despite everyone's pissy attitude there. What's this?? It says Simon Van Cussing and his posse are on their latest quest to kill Drac-U-Clay. Hmmmm...why would THIS be in a stock market paper??? Oh, it also says that Van Cussing is offering stock in his record company to anyone who can kill Drac-U-Clay. The towns people are skeptical and critical of the Professor but he kindly yet egotistically reminded the towns people that HE is the critic worthy of offering opinion and they better not forget it. Well, it seems i'm gonna have an interesting night!!! Heh heh heh!!"
=====================================

Van Cussing and his crew arrive at the Castle von Castle where Count Drac-U-Clay dwells...Van Cussing demands that Drac-U-Clay invite him in...BUT Drac-U-Clay needs energy and so he had vacated the castle minutes earlier and is now making love with someone...

=======================================  

Drac: "All it takes to fall in love with me, honey, is just look into my eyes. Ah, now then...i'm tired of just making love...i want to DO some love!!!"

Tiffany: "As i said on the OCD and as i will continue to say...you can suck the blood out of me anytime!!! Woo-we, what will the folks at the OCD say about this???"
=========================================

Drac: "Now!!! I'm fully energized!! I hope you liked it...may i call you Tiffy??"

Tiffany: "You can call me whatever you want, you little Drackie-poo you! she sings to herself... La la la la la la..."
==========================================

Drac-U-Clay makes it back to Castle von Castle and can sense danger...it also helps that Drac can see Van Cussing standing on the property waving around a stake!

===========================================

Cussing: "Alright Drac-U-Clay!!! We know you're in there!!"

Drac: "We?? What we??"

Cussing: "Huh?? Uh-oh! Well, no matter! Ab-fool-Dul and Laxative are chickens!!! I can finish you off myself!!! I am sick of your sickening love and beauty crap!! Now prepare to die!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....charge!!!!!"

Drac: "Oh my god! This guy has GOT to be joking??? What does he think he can do with that stake??? I knew this is Halloween but man...this weirdo takes the cake!!"
===============================

Van Cussing charges and Drac-U-Clay takes one small step to the left...and Van Cussing plummets off to his death some 70 stories below...cussing as he drops...later, back in Castle von Castle...
================================

Drac: "That little bit of confrontation wore me out!! Time to re-energize!!"
=================================

Drac looks around at the coven of lovey dovey's he has to choose from...ahhh, but which one will he choose as a lover tonight?? Which lady will be lucky enough to help ol' Drac-U-Clay restore his energy?? He's about to make his decision...
====================================

Drac: "It's YOUR turn now!!"

Carla: "Oooooohhhh boy!!! How splendid and deliciously spiffilicious!!! Yee-haw!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! And i'll throw in another spiffy just for good measure!!"
======================================

And there you have it...the far-fetched story of Drac-U-Clay...the Master of Romance...the chosen one...Lord of the Loving Un-Dead...
=======================================

THE ABOVE STORY, "DRAC-U-CLAY", WAS INSPIRED BY CARLA'S CURRENT VAMPIRE AVATAR. PETER CUSHING, WHO PORTRAYED DOCTOR VAN HELSING IN ALL OF THOSE HAMMER HORROR DRACULA MOVIES, SERVED AS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE CHARACTER NAME, PROFESSOR SIMON VAN CUSSING.

[Princess Dorkling]

oh Mercy, Prissy. You put the song that AC wrote about me. I'm very proud of it.

 

[ACcountryFan]

CLAY-MAN[/u]
We take you now to the big city where Clay-Man is being given orders from his boss; A notorious villain has just gotten out of prison and it's up to Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg to get the city safe again...or as safe as any city will ever be!!!
===============================

Hill: "Clay-Man, we just got word that the notorious Wordsmith is back out there! She was out on parole and we feel she is gonna try and seek revenge on you. If she does, this jeopardizes her parole."

Clay-Man: "Oh my lord!! The Wordsmith...back out on the loose??? I hope and pray she doesn't try anything foolish!!!"
====================================

Meanwhile, The Wordsmith is busy plotting her revenge!!

================================

Wordy: "If my guess is right, i say that Clay-Man is gonna be paying us a visit later today!!"

Footsy: "How can you be so sure???"

Wordy: "Because...how soon you are to forget...i am in the media! I have the ability to see tomorrow's headlines today!!"

Footsy: "What are you gonna do when he gets here??"

Wordy: "More than likely he will accuse me of violating my parole and he'll try and haul me off to the prison again but i have a plan for Clay-Man!! Heh heh heh heh...i am the ONLY person who has figured out Clay-Man's weak spot!! This will reduce Clay-Man to a pile of weak-leg, limping mess!!! Hahahhahahahahaa!!!"
==================================

Later, Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg track down The Wordsmith's lair...they pay her a nice little visit...

====================================

Clay-Man: "Alright!!! I'm taking you BACK to prison. I have got nothing on you but you just LOOK guilty!!"

Wordy: "And hello to you, too, Clay-Man! I've been expecting you!!! Footsy and i were just discussing your favorite song. Hhahahahahaha!!!"
=====================================

Just then, music fills the air and the lyrics of the song cause Clay-Man to lose balance and fall to the ground...

=======================================

Wordy: "Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Turn it up, Footsy!!! Let Clay-Man get a FULL dose of this beautiful song!!!"

Midnight...not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her Memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Clay-Man: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Memory...all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
It was beautiful then
I remember the time i knew what happiness was
Let the Memory live again

Wordy: "Hahahaha! Isn't it beautiful, Clay-Man???? I feel like waltzing!!! Sing a long, if you want to!! I feel like gloating some more, Clay-Man!!! I, The Wordsmith, hold the keys to the only thing that drains Clay-Man of his power and in effect, turns him into a weakling...Memory...sing it loud and clear, Clay-Man!! Memory...from CATS!!!!"

Clay-Man: "Please....stop it....i can't take much more of this...."

Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies another night is over
Another day is dawning!!

Touch me...it's so easy to leave me
All alone with the Memory of my day in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is
Let the Memory live again...

Wordy: "Clay-Man...big finish by Manilow coming up...come on...don't be shy...sing-a-long!!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!"

Let the Memory...live AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
==================================

Clay-Man, too weak to even talk, lays there in a dazed state; The Wordsmith exits for a short period...

====================================

Raleigh: "Clay-Man...i finally chewed my way through those ropes!! The Wordsmith said she was off to take care of some other business but she'd be back to finish us off in a few minutes!! Let's get outta here!!"

Clay-Man: "In a few minutes...i gotta lay here and let my strength return!! The Wordsmith is amazing!!! I don't think any of my other enemies KNOW my weakness!!!?? Maybe The Cowell?? Anyway...i gotta...rest..."
=================================

His strength fully restored, Clay-Man notices some paper on The Wordsmith's desk in the lair

===================================

Clay-Man: "Raleigh...look at this!! It's some sort of paper from a hospital!! Oh wow...The Wordsmith has a tumor...it seems it had been removed but the results aren't in yet!!! Yes...it says the surgery was a success and it was performed by the prison medical staff a few days ago."

Raleigh: "Oh god...that sounds awful!! I hope she's gonna be okay."

Clay-Man: "So do i! She might be a crafty and clever criminal of ours but she's still a human. Maybe i oughta help her turn her life around?? Maybe i oughta help her use her wordsmith skills for the good of all mankind? She has a gift of words and she could probably talk her way out of any situation...maybe THAT is how she was able to get out on parole??"

Raleigh: "It's up to you...but remember, she DID try and do away with us a few minutes ago with MEMORY!!!"

Clay-Man: "I'm struggling with what to do!! I WANT to see The Wordsmith pay for her crimes instead of being out on parole but yet i ALSO feel concerned about this tumor thing."
==============================

The Wordsmith returns...

===============================

Wordy: "I'm back!!!"

Clay-Man: "You are an amazing woman!!"

Wordy: "Huh??"

Clay-Man: "I just read this paper from the hospital. I hope the tumor is benign. I was commenting to Raleigh-Dawg that you could probably talk yourself out of any situation."

Wordy: "You think?? I WISH i could talk myself out of what i'm going through right now. I am weak from the ordeal but i can manage."

Clay-Man: "I want to help you turn your life around. I want to see you use your gift of words for the right side of the law."
============================

Clay-Man, using his quick thinking skills, reads The Wordsmith a poem he wrote for her...

=============================

The Wordsmith uses her gift of words
To brighten our day with nouns and verbs
Though her messages may be long and to the point
Thus, she's called the wordiest one in the whole OCD joint

The Wordsmith in the skit may BE a crafty villain
And on ice, the police want her to be chillin'
But deep down The Wordsmith is really nice and kind
And everyone hopes that the tumor is benign
=====================================

The Wordsmith does her time in prison but thanks to Clay-Man, the sentence is shortened; Clay-Man and The Wordsmith become good friends and The Wordsmith DOES turn her life around and she promises to keep Clay-Man's vulnerability a secret

===================================

And so ends another episode of Clay-Man; You have been reading the Adventures of Clay-Man, a super-hero on a neverending journey to fight crime and help people turn their lives around for the better; Clay-Man is the alter-ego of Soft-Rock Sensation, Clay Aiken. All characters in this skit are the properties of ACcountryFan; MEMORY as featured in the "CATS" play and was recorded by Barry Manilow in 1982, who had a Top-10 Adult-Contemporary hit with it; It is better-known as an instrumental by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[Prissy]

AC,

That was great!  Clay's weakness is the song,  "Memory" about CATS!!!   So clever!  You are really creative, AC.  I wonder if you could write for comic books?  Have you ever thought of that?

Do you have Wordy's email?   You should send her this skit.  I think she would enjoy it!

Prissy

[ACcountryFan]

AC,

That was great!  Clay's weakness is the song,  "Memory" about CATS!!!   So clever!  You are really creative, AC.  I wonder if you could write for comic books?  Have you ever thought of that?

Do you have Wordy's email?   You should send her this skit.  I think she would enjoy it!

==========================
THANKS PRISSY!! I HAVE HER E-MAIL ADDRESS BUT WOODSTOCK SAID IT WOULD BE AWHILE BEFORE LYNN'S BACK ON-LINE BUT WOODSOTCK SAID THAT SHE'D MENTION THE SKIT TO LYNN. I'LL E-MAIL LYNN THE LINK TO "EXPRESS YOURSELF" BUT I CAN'T LIFT THE SKIT AND COPY-PASTE IT IN AN E-MAIL ON A WEB-TV.

OH WOW...COMIC BOOKS TAKES ME BACK TO MY ELEMENTARY AND HIGH SCHOOL YEARS!! I STARTED WRITING BACK then AND SOMETIMES MY FRIEND WOULD DRAW CHARACTERS WITH THE WORDS I WROTE IN THOSE LITTLE "BALLOONS" AS IF IT WERE A COMIC BOOK. WE DID ONE OF THOSE FOR A FINAL EXAM IN ART CLASS. I AM not THE ARTIST HE IS BUT I WROTE BETTER THAN HE DID...SO WE SORT OF COMPLIMENTED EACH OTHER. EVERY NOW AND THEN WE WRITE E-MAILS BACK AND FOURTH ABOUT OLD TV SHOWS; COMEDY; HORROR MOVIES; AND MUSIC.

[ACcountryFan]

URGENT NEWS ALERT!!

Pardon the interruption...for those of you enthralled with the latest episode of "When Harry Met Larry's Contrary" on the Gay and Lesbian Network we apologize for the interruption with this urgent news alert. Gay Cow Disease has been rumored to have made it's way into some cities, which will remain anonymous, and havok is being started on the streets. At this time we do not know if havok has reached the reeking stage or not...a major urgent news alert will follow should the cities people start to reek some havok...we now return you to "When Harry Met Larry's Contrary"...

Harry: "It isn't that i don't love you it's that you're so damn contrary, Larry!"

Larry: "I'm so sorry for being contrary, Harry, but you just don't understand how harried i've been lately. Harry, look, we can keep this going...all you gotta do is..."
======================

We interrupt "When Harry Met Larry's Contrary" to let you viewers know that the cities people in the anonymous city ARE starting to reek some havok now...stay tuned to this network for further developments...

========================

Harry: "You want me to do WHAT???? I will do no such thing, Larry!!!"

Larry: "It was ONLY a suggestion, Harry...i just wish Garry would get here."

Harry: "Me too! Garry always knows what to say. Remember the time you were being a little bit contrary, Larry? Garry looked over at Mary and Sherry then looked back over at you, Larry, and Garry started busting out laughing merrily in between glasses of Sherry. Those were the good days, Larry!"

Larry: "I also remember the time you grabbed me and..."
==============================

We interrupt this program with some more urgent news alerts...Gay Cow Disease has been located and the authorities have found a vaccine. Our on the spot reporter, Frosty Franks, has filed this report...

Here i am in the middle of an anonymous city where the vaccine for what could have been one of the most tragic plague's known to mankind has for the moment been contained and a cure has been found before it could take off in other places. Not much is known about Gay Cow Disease. The only thing that's fact is that should Gay Cow Disease rear it's ugly head in these parts again, the townspeople will be prepared. An anonymous citizen who's synonymous with this anonymous town told me off the record earlier that he was stunned that his city was hit in the rear in this most obscene way with the potential for Gay Cow Disease. He then grinned and said with a wink: "I guess we won't be drinking homosexgenized milk after all". Reporting on the Gay Cow Disease, i'm Frosty Franks..."

We now take you back to the conclusion of "When Harry Met Larry's Contrary"

Larry: "Well fine then!!! Be that way!! See if i care!!!"
===============================

Tune in next time for more explosive arguments and day-to-day struggles that have taken place in which can be traced back to "When Harry Met Larry's Contrary"

==================================

[ACcountryFan]

SCOTT AND GRACE
In this short vignette, we see that Grace is on-line at Claymaniacs once AGAIN PM'ing back and fourth with Prissy...later on, Grace decides she wants to send Christmas cards to her friends and fellow Claymaniacs...Prissy is there, spending the weekend with the Looney's and trying to stay sane amongst Grace's foolishness...AND she has successfully battled Scott's advances; Apparently, when Scott picked Prissy up at the airport, she tried to call Grace on her cell-phone but the term "roaming" appeared on the screen and her call didn't go through...in the meantime, as her cell-phone was roaming, Scott's hand was trying to roam as well as he was driving...Prissy smacked Scott's hand with her violin bow and he remained a gentleman throughout the rest of the drive from the airport...
===============================

Grace: "Doing these Christmas cards every year is becoming a daunting task each season."

Prissy: "You're telling me! I have a hard time trying to remember the names of people...once i sent a card to someone's screen-name! Amazingly, it got there and i got a call about it, too."

Grace: "I was thinking about sending Linda a card."

Prissy: "Oh...she's like kin-folk! She lives out in Texas, too."

Grace: "She is? Oh...all of this time i thought she lived in New England. Very clever of her to call herself CT loves Clay but live in Texas."

Prissy: "Uh...Grace...are you wanting to send a card to Linda from Connecticut or Linda from Texas who goes by the name of dudley??"

Grace: "I wanna send a card to both...i was wanting to send one to Linda first and then send one to Linda afterwards."

Prissy: "You want TWO cards to be sent to Linda?"

Grace: "No...i want one card sent to Linda and THEN i'll send another card to Linda."

Prissy: "Oh...you're gonna send a card to Linda from Connecticut and THEN send a card to Linda from Texas who goes by the name of dudley! Oh, i get it now!"

Grace: "I hope Linda likes the card i'll be picking out to mail to her. I also hope Linda likes the card, too."

Prissy: "Linda from Connecticut or Linda from Texas?"

Grace: "Linda from Seattle...the last i knew she was shaikeninseattle..."

Prissy: "Now, Grace...don't forget about Angela."

Grace: "I won't! AC calls her ALL CAPS"

Prissy: "Also, keep in mind about Clandy, too!"

Grace: "I think Angela will be sent a card before ANGELA...but i hadn't made up my mind yet. I also have to buy a card for Priscilla and one for you, Prissy."

Prissy: "I'm Priscilla, Grace."

Grace: "Yeah right!! You're no more Priscilla than i am! You think i'm an idiot?"

Long pause...

Prissy: "But i AM Priscilla!!! What will i have to do to prove it to you??"

Grace: "If you are Priscilla and NOT Prissy, i want to see your driver's license!!"

Prissy: "I AM Prissy!!"

Grace: "I thought you said your name was Priscilla?? Well...are you Prissy or Priscilla??? It shouldn't be too difficult to tell me your name!!"

Prissy: "My name is Priscilla!"

Grace: "But you just said your name was Prissy!! What's going on here???"

Prissy: "My name is Priscilla AND Prissy...look, when you visit Claymaniacs you will see that a lot of us either make up screen-names of use variations of our own names...Priscilla is too long and so folks call me Prissy...you know that one guy, ACcountryFan...the one who's writing these words right now...well, HIS name is Jerry but in his warped mind Jerry and AC are TWO separate people...it's better to not discuss THAT guy too much unless you have no respect for yourself whatsoever"

Grace: "Oh...so YOU and Priscilla are the same people??? Then who is this Lorraine person???"

Prissy: "Oh...that's Lorraine."

Grace: "Lorraine's name is Lorraine?"

Prissy: "Yes. Lorraine is Lorraine and nobody else IS Lorraine, thank the lord."

Grace: "OK...so Lorraine is Lorraine but you are Priscilla?? OK...i THINK i got it straight now."

Prissy: "Well, i think i'll go take a nap...we have to get up early tomorrow. You and Scott are my guests at the Violin, Bongo Drum, and Saxophone Pancake Supper at the church! Goodnight!!"
=============================

Goodnight Prissy and i'll say goodnight or have a good day to all of those who peeked in and read the vignette this time around

[ACcountryFan]

CLAY WONDERLAND
Rainey Aiken and the Rain-Makers

Clay bells ring are ya listenin'
In my mind Clay's a whistlin'
He sings me a song as we move along
Lovin' and huggin' in a Clay Wonderland

In the morning i could undress my Clay man
But he still insists his name is Parson Brown
He asks me "are you hungry?"
And i say: "Oh, yeah, man!"
Then he cooks me sausage and we later horse around

Later on we conspire as we're both filled with such desire
To strip and and we play the frisky sort of way
Lovin' and huggin' in a Clay Wonderland

Lovin' and huggin' in a Clay Wonderland

[ACcountryFan]

MY SLIP SLIPS AWAY
Rainey Aiken and the Rain-Makers; in a parody of "Funny, How Time Slips Away"

Well hello there...my you've been out of my mind
How am i doing?
Oh gee, i guess that i'm doin' fine
It's been so long now since i've had some
But when i see you it feels just like yesterday
Gee ain't it funny how My Slip Slips Away

How's your new love?
I hope that she's doin' fine
Remember telling me you'd love me 'til the end of time
Well those exact words are what you told me
But i've dumped you and i've since gone with Clay
Ain't it surprising how My Slip Slips Away

Well i gotta go now
I'll try not to see you around
But who knows...maybe i'll see you in a circus as a clown
You best remember what i just told you
Cause it'll hurt you when you think of me with Clay
Oh my it's so wonderful how My Slip Slips Away

[ACcountryFan]

THE ADVENTURES OF WHITLOCK CLUB AND DOCTOR FATSON

Based upon the legendary Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, ACcountryFan for better or for worse, brings you HIS take on the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle classic. Sir Arthur is rumored to have had a problem with his backside...his critics used to call him Sir Arthur Conan Boil and of course it caused Doyle severe anxiety complexes...but enough of the back-story...on we go with The Adventures of Whitlock Club and Doctor Fatson
=======================================

Whitlock: "Fatson!! Here i am trying to solve the latest baffling mystery that's baffled Scotland Yard and all you can do is sit there eating...and eating..."

Fatson: "Uh...sorry...Club...i was hungry!!"

Fatson nearly chokes on his words...

Whitlock: "Do be more alert next time, Fatson! I'm not deducing my thoughts just for me own pleasure...in addition to deduction for my own pleasure i'm ALSO doing deduction for YOU, too! Speaking of deduction, Fatson, i think i'll deduct some of your salary!!"

Fatson: "Club!!! Most gracious and generous and all knowing...anything but that!! Don't deduct any of my celery!!"

Whitlock: "You fool!!!"
==================================

Fatson, elated that his celery intake is intact...much could be said for his calorie intake, though...anyway, Fatson remains in the study while Whitlock Club scours the city in search of clues...

=====================================

Whitlock: "According to my calculations, the crime took place 67 degrees south of Point A and exactly 7.004 percent to the 10th power of Point C...this leaves Point B having the missing link. I shall now try some algebra here and connect Points A and C with Point B by solving a mathematic equation that only Einstein has attempted."

Whitlock puts his hand to his head and is in deep thinking mode...all of the sudden he gets choked on his pipe smoke...

Whitlock: cough...hack...cough...cough... Hmmm, now what was i thinking...YES!!! I found the formula!!!"
====================================

Whitlock jaunts back to the study and finds Fatson reading...

=====================================

Whitlock: "See here, Fatson...i came up with the formula which will help me ensnare the criminal of this crime...Uh, Fatson...FATSON!!! Get your eyes out from within that bloody cook book and pay attention!!!"

Fatson: "Sorry, Club...I was just...I was..."

Whitlock: "Hungry???"

Fatson: "By gadfrey, Club...how did you ever guess??"

Whitlock: "Now...let's get down to business!!! I connected Point A with Point C in my brilliant mathematical equation that'll certainly give Einstein a bad reputation for centuries to come. I AM SUCH A GENIUS!!! Anyway...i came up with Point A and Point C and the missing link is an all Points Bulletin running between Points A and C. By getting this i divided pie, 3.14, into the ratio of the circumfrence of my freezer back at my homestead. The thickness of my carpet and the tangy taste of my toothpaste also helped me come to this conclusion."

Fatson: "Gee jolly, Club!! What WILL you ever think of next??"

Whitlock: "Thank you Fatson! It's ONLY elementary mathematics!! Why, any super-genius could also figure it out."

Fatson: "Splendid, Club! Just absolutely splendid! Jolly good!"

Whitlock: "Thank you, thank you Fatson! All it takes is brains, Fatson...a brain inside a head...NOT a brain inside a stomach which is what plagues you, my good man."

Fatson: "You're so right, Club! You're so right!"

Whitlock: "I know, Fatson...I know..." 
=======================================

And so ends the totally odd and non-sequitur Adventures of Whitlock Club and Doctor Fatson. Tune in next time when Doctor Fatson learns that Emily Post is NOT a part of the Raisin Bran line of cereal.

[Prissy]

AC,

These are all great!  I really like the Whitlock one.  That name Whitlock;  it just lends itself to a Sherlock Holmes type skit!!

The name thing with Scott and Grace is funny, too.  Remember, I'm Prissy, aka, Cilla, aka, Priscilla, aka Phyllis, aka Patricia!!

The songs and poem are great, too.  You have so much creativity in you!!  Thanks for sharing.

Hugs,
Prissy

[ACcountryFan]

Thanks for the comments about my skits, Prissy!! I'm about ready to turn up the heat in THIS latest installment of "Clay-Man". In today's episode he's battling a sinister villainess named "Bionic Heat". I won't be writing her full name out since it'll get monotonous for me and so i'll refer to her throughout the skit as "Heat". So...let's get started!!!! I can't wait!!!

CLAY-MAN
Clay-Man, that super-hero who we all WISH we were!!! Clay-Man, fighting an endless battle against all the things that never end...in today's episode we see that Clay-Man is up against one of his more powerful adversaries, the sultry Bionic Heat! In prison, across that orange jump suit, was her I.D. number. Since she's a hottie, Bionic Heat had the hottest little number emblazened across her chest. Now she's out of prison...and the nights can get real hot down south where Clay-Man holds fort...especially in this cold weather we're having!!! YIKES!!!

Clay-Man: "Raleigh-Dawg...ah'm now 27 years old! You don't HAVE to clean up after me anymore!!!"

Raleigh: "Old habits are hard to break, Clay-Man! Speaking of habits, isn't it about time for YOU to check in with the Chief and see which complex and baffling case they're having trouble with this time?!"

Clay-Man: "Wait a second...ah need to set my watch ahead a couple of hours. Ah'm flying to the West Coast later to help Spiderman out of a tangled mess he wove himself into."
==========================

Clay-Man talks to the Chief who instructs him on the nefarious ways of Bionic Heat. Clay-Man laughs off the idea that he's scared. He tells the Chief: "Lookie, if Bionic Heat tries something...she better make sure she's got some protection because ah can take whatever heat that's dished out to me!"

Meanwhile, Bionic Heat hatches a plan...
==============================

Heat: "2 years!! 2 very, very, VERY long years!!! I've waited and waited for this moment to arrive. Clay-Man sent me up the river 2 years ago! 2 very, very, very, VERY long years ago!!! Me, Bionic Heat, was sentenced to 2 years in the cooler!! This is something i will never, never, NEVER forget...2 years...2 very, very, very, VERY long years and i shall never, never, never, NEVER forget!!!"

======================================

Raleigh: "Clay-Man, maybe we oughta wait for MORE help?? Bionic Heat can certainly turn up the heat! She's a very hot vixen i've been told...she's mighty powerful with a golf club, too!!"

Clay-Man: "Don't worry Raleigh-Dawg! Ah'm not worried one single, solitary bit. And ya know, Raleigh-Dawg, Solitary's the only game in town! Every road he takes it takes him down...while life goes on around him everywhere he's playin' Solitary..."

Raleigh-Dawg: "Uh...Clay-Man...let's just keep our eyes out for Bionic Heat, alright???"
====================================

Heat: "Eureeka!!! Almost finished with my plan to destroy Clay-Man and that blasted Raleigh-Dawg!!"

Stroke: "Oh goodie, goodie, Heat!!"

Heat: "You will notice that it's 34 degree's outside. Well, once i wave my fingers around in a twinkling motion, you'll notice the temperature rises!!! If i raise both of my hands and twinkle both sets of fingers at once...oh yes, a heatwave!!! Now, i plan on Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg dressed in their winter garb and as soon as they get here, well, as soon as Clay-Man gets here since i'll be sending Raleigh-Dawg out to fetch a bone i've never buried, as soon as Clay-Man gets here i'm gonna turn up the heat...one degree at a time!!! Oh baby!!!!"

Stroke: "That sounds so wonderful, Heat!! You know Clay-Man bundles up and wears layers even IN the summertime, you knew that, right?? In the winter, add an extra three layers of clothes to the 4 he wears in the summer months."

Heat: "I don't care, Stroke! He'll be so hot he'll HAVE to remove everything!!!! I anticipate he'll stall and prolong it...but i LOVE a man who takes their time!!!"
===================================

Clay-Man: "This must be the place, Raleigh-Dawg! My, it feels kind of warm around here..."

Raleigh: "Bionic Heat has no shame, Clay-Man. I'll be watching your back every step of the way."

Clay-Man: "Awwww, that's very sweet of you, Raleigh-Dawg!! But don't you think you should be watchin' my feet every step of the way??"

Raleigh: "Uh...never mind, Clay-Man, forget what i said! Let's go get Bionic Heat!!!"
================================

Heat: "Shhh, Stroke...i can hear them outside...it won't be long now!!!"

=================================

Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg break down the door to Bionic Heat's hide-a-way. Stroke looks silly but Bionic Heat works her magic...
==================================

Clay-Man: Clay-Man whispers to Raleigh... "Uh, Raleigh-Dawg...why is Bionic Heat twinkling her fingers?? And where is that twinkling music coming from???"

Heat: "Clay-Man!!! At long last...after 2 years...after 2 very, very, very, VERY long years we meet again!!!"

Raleigh: "Shall i frisk her, Clay-Man?? She looks guilty!"

Clay-Man: "Uh...no, Raleigh-Dawg ah think i can handle that sort of thing."

Heat: "Raleigh...Go fetch a bone i buried in the back-yard!!! OK??"
====================================

With Raleigh-Dawg out of the picture, Bionic Heat makes MORE finger twinkles...
======================================

Clay-Man: "Gosh almighty it's gettin' downright warm in here...WOW! Ah gotta loosen up my cape or somethin'!! WOW!"

Heat: "I think it's just nerves, Clay-Man! It's been awhile since we've seen each other. 2 years...2 very, very, very, VERY long years to be exact but who's counting??"

Clay-Man: "There goes that twinklin' music again!!! WOW...it's sooo hot in here!!! Man, ah gotta loosen up my utility belt or somethin'!! WOW!!"
=================================

Clay-Man, after going through 5 layers of Clay-Man costumes, is FINALLY down to the last layer...

===================================

Clay-Man: "Ahhhh...that feels so much better!!!"



Heat: "What???? You get those clothes off this second!!!! I COMMAND YOU!!!!!"

Raleigh-Dawg: "Watch out, Clay-Man!! Stroke is up behind you with her golf club!!!"

Stroke: "Why you little so and so!!!"
======================================

Stroke chases Raleigh-Dawg...fortunately, Raleigh-Dawg is a DOG and so she uses her all fours to out-run Stroke. Later, Raleigh is back up walking on two feet...and she helps Clay-Man sub-due Bionic Heat!! Ironically, it was easy!! In the "struggle", Clay-Man's plastic utility belt brushed up against Bionic Heat's thigh when he was capturing her {Bionic Heat gave up rather easily!!!}

Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg hauled Bionic Heat and Stroke off to the prison once again. Clay-Man told the Chief that never again would he ever tangle with Bionic Heat...but he left the option open for him to help her cool down if need be.

~The End~

[Prissy]

AC,

That was great.  "2 very long, very, very loong,  very ,very, very long years." I think that Bionic Heat (Heater) will enjoy it, too!

Prissy

PS:  Tomorrow is your birthday!!  i remember that you birthday poem was so easy to write last year and one of my longest birthday poems!!

[ACcountryFan]

AC INTERVIEWS[/u]
And now we take you to the writer's den of ACcountryFan who may be one year OLDER but none the more wiser...on today's interview, he lands a segment with Clay Aiken...how he managed to get Clay to agree to this interview is still a mystery. AC was hired by Fly Magazine to do this exclusive!! Here it is...

AC: "Several years ago pop music was set on it's ear with the debut of American Idol on FOX-TV. Since that time, a handful of young hopeful's have strutted and sung their way onto the charts AND into the lives of many music listeners. The second season turned out to be the show's biggest...and most remembered, mostly thanks to Clay Aiken...however, Clay is having a difficult time escaping that "Idol" tag. Nevertheless, Aiken has sold a ton of CDs and shot the ratings numbers up on all of the TV programs he appears on...even magazine sales sky-rocket if he's featured in the pages. And so, with these words, Clay was introduced to the world of Top-40 radio:

What'cha doin' tonight...i wish i could be a fly on your wall...

"Invisible" became Clay's first and to date, ONLY Top-40 Pop radio hit...even though his other radio singles have all hit on the Top-40 Adult-Contemporary charts and his commercial singles have all hit the Top-10 on the Pop SINGLES charts. Now...without further suspense...here is Clay Aiken's interview!!!
====================================

AC: "Clay!!! I wanna thank you for agreeing to come here to my writer's den and allow this interview to take place. I am only working for Fly Magazine for this ONE piece but there might be more in the future!"

Clay: laughs "So this better be a good one ah take it?"

AC: "Right! Now, let's get down to business. I am sure our readers would like to know why you agreed to do this exclusive for Fly Magazine."

Clay: "Well, ah had no choice. laughs It's mighty hard to turn down an interview request with someone daring you NOT to do it."

AC: "As is the custom here at Fly Magazine, all of our interview subjects have to get a series of pics done of their fly. They told me that they print the interview first and THEN they feature that week's photo spread and this week, Clay, YOU are the coverboy."

Clay: "Uh...well...uh...ah don't think..."

AC: "I am sure Fly Magazine isn't paying me to let YOU think! Now...a few of the designers will be assigned to you and they'll sit you in different poses and things showing off your fly. Should you have any problems..."

Clay: "Ah got ONE major problem rat now!!! Ah ain't a gonna be a showin' off my fly for all to see!!! Nope...ain't a gonna do it!! Ah protest!! Ah must protest!!"

AC: "I got'cha!!! You signed a contract! You gotta pose for Fly Magazine! You're gonna pose and expose your fly or i'll expose the fact that you're NOT the diva the tabloids say you are!! How about that!!"

Clay: "Nope!! If you read that there contract carefully, at the bottom of the contract it says NO PICS OF MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS. With MY fly, buddy, it'll remain a NO FLY ZONE to your trashy magazine!!!! This interview is over!!!"
================================

AC: "I later called Clay and apologized and said i was only doing my job. I never accepted Fly's offer of becoming their top writer. I flew the coop after that Clay interview went south. Clay laughed it off and was stunned that people wanted to see pictures of his fly. We then started talking about corn and he interjected a joke along the way about corn and i said "awe, shucks!". Clay, you're a riot!!

==================================

AC Interviews was brought to you today by Fly Magazine...and by The Association to Prevent an Investigation into the Administration of this Dummy-I-Am presentation; AC appears through courtesy of Jerry's brain...any similarities between AC and Mike Wallace is purely intentional!!

[ACcountryFan]

Rufus: "Doofus...have you ever tried Flexnit??"

Doofus: "No...i haven't tried such a thing and i'm not about to either!"

What these two people are going on about is Flexnit, a revolutionary body-building drug exported from Russia and has found a cult following in the United States.

Doofus: "I think you're being silly taking in that Flexnit like that."

Rufus: "I don't FEEL silly...i feel like i'm floating on the clouds."

Doofus: "A body-building drug?? Hmmm..."
==================================

Rufus and Doofus continue working in the fields when a message comes over their battery radio...

====================================

Newsman: "And breaking news tonight...Lulu Tomatoe has been accused of drug possession...while searching her vehicle they found traces of a new illegal drug called Flexnit. Reporters are still working on the case..."

=======================================

Rufus: "Oh my god!! I didn't know this stuff was illegal!! No wonder i feel like i'm walking on clouds. We gotta get rid of this!!"

Doofus: "Don't freak out! I am sure the drug is ONLY illegal because it hasn't been approved yet."

Rufus: "That's quite an observation you have there. NOW, what are we gonna do???"

Doofus: "Let's bury it!"
=====================================

Rufus and Doofus bury the Flexnit in back of the barn...all is well...or is it??

=======================================

Doofus: "OK...now that we've gotten rid of the Flexnit there shouldn't be any troubles...by the way, where did YOU get your supply of Flexnit???"

Rufus: "Well...uh...i can't exactly say...let's just say i'm glad we're rid of it."
=================================

A week later, the FBI swarms the Rufus Rustic Farm...they knock on the door...

==================================

Anderson: "I know you're in there!! Open this door!!!"

Cusschef: "Maybe we oughta come back-ski tomorrow??"

Anderson: "NO! THESE HILLBILLIES HAVE BEEN TRACED TO BE THE ONLY AMERICANS WITH FLEXNIT!!!"

Cusschef: "What about-ski Lulu Tomatoe??"

Anderson: "Look...she was found to have TRACES of Flexnit in her car! These hillbillies we're after have a whole VILE of Flexnit. As of now Tomatoe isn't top priority but she's still a major player in the Flexnit drug ring."
==============================

Rufus: "Yes?? The FBI?? What do you want??"

Anderson: "I'm Anderson and he's Cusschef! We have reason to believe that you are housing a stash of Flexnit here on your property!"

Doofus: "Who is it, Rufus??"

Rufus: "Two people who wandered away from a costume party. Doofus...get over here...check out these guy's fancy trench coats! Hahahahahahaha."

Cusshef: "This isn't a laughing matter! Flexnit is a powerful drug...it not only builds muscles but it ALSO deteriorates brain cells."

Rufus: "Maybe Doofus has been taking Flexnit all of this time?? Hahahahahahaha!"

Anderson: "Enough of this. Here's the search warrant...we'll check back with you two later! Don't go anywhere."
==================================

Anderson and Cusschef search the property and they're about to leave when they realize they hadn't searched UNDER the property; When Doofus saw Cusschef walking around with that shovel, he got nervous; Rufus had a plan: He would allow the FBI to dig around the barn but what Rufus kept quiet about was the ferocious pit-bull they kept quiet about....

===================================

Anderson: "You dig here! I'll dig there!"

Cusschef: "OH MY GOD!!! DON'T MOVE ANY CLOSER...LOOK AT THAT PIT-BULL!!!!"

Anderson: "He thinks we're gonna attack him with these shovels. Once he see's we're only digging, he'll leave us alone."
======================================

But that's not the case, fella's. Ol' Doofus had un-chained the pit-bull earlier...being a good, mindful dog to Rufus and Doofus, the dog stayed in his own area...BUT once the dog saw those "intruders"...whoah...better look out!!!

========================================

Cusschef: "What's that?? I think i heard a chain dragging...."

Anderson: "Of course you did...the dog is probably up and walking around and you hear the chain moving..."

Cusschef: "I hear the chain getting louder and louder...i'm afraid to turn around!!"

Anderson: "There's nothing to...."
=====================================

Just then, the dog jumped up and knocked Anderson to the ground...Cusschef TRIED to smash the dog's head but the dog had jumped off and Cusschef ended up hitting Anderson in the face...knocked out Anderson just layed there...the growling, mad pit-bull started chasing after Cusschef...meanwhile, looking out the window from the farm house, Rufus and Doofus comment on the turn of events...

====================================

Rufus and Doofus: "Hahahahahahaha"

Doofus: "That teaches them a lesson!! Look...one of the agents is running so fast he forgot to jump over that tree stump..."

Rufus: "The one who was knocked out is now back up on his feet...he gathers up his partner and they're heading for their car. Hahahahahahahahahhaha!!"
=====================================

Later, Rufus has on the battery radio and hears some more news...

======================================

Newsman: "And this just in...the police stopped a weaving car earlier this evening. Upon inspection, the officer realized the weaving car was being driven by two Russian spies posing as American federal agents. It seems the two spies were trying to get their hands on a drug known as Flexnit...in an effort to take over the international drug market. One of the poor souls had a badly beaten face. The officer remarked that he felt the reason one of the guy's face was deep red like that was because the guy probably was a heavy drinker." [/i]
==================================

Ahhhh...but little did they know the red face was caused by Cusschef's shovel! Remember, Cusschef was trying to smash the pit-bull but instead hit Anderson in the face. Rufus and Doofus turned over the Flexnit...Rufus said that it was given to him by a strange woman he encountered in the big city. The woman turned out to be Lulu Tomatoe and it was speculated that Lulu just wanted to get rid of HER amount of Flexnit and so she pawned it off on an unsuspecting Rufus telling him it was a "body-building" drug. Cleared of everything because it was all a misunderstanding, Rufus and Doofus went about their work...

Now, who says the simple, country life is all it's cracked up to be??? "

~The End~

[ACcountryFan]

AC TALKS PEARL HARBOR AND RADIO COMEDY
ACcountryFan speaks about Pearl Harbor and the impact of radio comedy in that era

... "Over There! Over There! Send the word, send the word, to prepare! That the yanks are coming, the yanks are coming! Let's see those drums drum-drummin' everywhere! So beware! So Beware! Send the word, send the word, to beware! We're comin' over...we're comin' over...and we won't come back 'til it's over, Over There..."

Many variations of that fight song have been sung down through the decades. The above is the version i heard sung by Eddie Cantor on a videotape i have celebrating old-time radio comedy. Eddie Cantor?? WHO is Eddie Cantor?? I'm glad you asked that question!! Eddie Cantor was radio's FIRST star...he and Al Jolsen along with Rudy Vallee and Burns and Allen were like the building blocks of radio as an entertainment medium...and they were followed by everyone else!!

Old-time Radio, much like television, showcased all sorts of entertainment programs. Drama; game shows {called quiz shows}; Horror; Children's programs; and the soap opera. However, radio comedy is what's best remembered when people speak of old-time radio...

December 7, 1941 was a turning point in America. That was the day Pearl Harbor was attacked in a sneak attack at dawn. It got the United States involved in World War Two. Prior to this, America had been involved in World Wa One...in terms of radio comedy, "The Golden Age of Radio" is most closely associated with the war years...typically the radio programs during the early to mid '40s.

The #1 radio comedy of this era...and in fact, the #1 radio comedy of all-time, "The Jack Benny Program", contributed to the laughs and it wasn't un-common in those days to have entire casts and crew travel over-seas OR go on location to naval bases. Bob Hope, of course, is most famous for the Military USO appearances. Legend has it that Bob Hope loved the applause from the servicemen so much that he insisted on having his radio programs broadcast from any naval base or army base in America and abroad...

Jack Benny shyed away from topical humor...most of his military-driven performances were on special radio programs that were transmitted on Armed Forces radio networks...the bulk of his comedy shows were purposely written with hardly anything topical. It's amazing when you think about it. The Jack Benny radio show was character-driven...the humor coming from the "characters". This is why some 60-65 years later, a Jack Benny radio program can still amuse a person...

The "G.I. Journal" program was the most popular military-based radio show.

Fred Allen, on the other hand, like Bob Hope, built a career on topical humor...Fred's "Allen's Alley" sketches were built so much around politics and the latest news that if a listener heard the shows now, it would serve more as a history lesson than a comedy show. I have several cassette tapes of Fred Allen's comedy shows. Although the humor IS dated and i don't get a lot of the jokes, i still find the show to be an interesting listen...especially during the hour-long episodes where Fred and The Mighty Allen Art Players would spoof children's nursery rhymes or spoof the latest movie.

Jokes about the Japanese and Hitler and the Nazi's and all of the other players in the War were all targets for Fred's humor and you must remember, this was at a time when such things weren't typically used to "inspire" humor either...on more than one occasion he was censored by the networks.

Burns and Allen; plus Fibber McGee and Molly and The Great Gildersleeve; all used their influence to help in the war effort. On many episodes of Fibber McGee and Molly, for example, Molly would often talk on-air about buying war bonds. Fibber would most often talk about "beating those Japs" or "Nipping those Nips" or as time went on, "Cooking Hitler's goose". Fibber McGee and Molly were played by real life married couple, Jim and Marian Jordan. The Great Gildersleeve was played by Hal Peary during this 1941-1945 war era i've been talking about. Of course, Burns and Allen are George Burns and Gracie Allen.

When the war ended in 1945, radio programs started to go back to regular plots and not much flag-waving was heard in the scripts. There were no more pledges for food drives and pleas for people to not throw away scrap metal...they were asked to send it in to help in the war effort. The Golden Age of Radio as we Old-time radio fans call it, ended in 1945 as well. The 1935-1945 time frame represents a wealth of entertainment in radio...and the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 was the catalyst for The Golden Age of Radio.

[ACcountryFan]

CLAY-MAN[/b]
Clay-Man...fighting for justice and truth; Facing opposition every step of the way; On today's episode Clay-Man tackles with Blonde Woman.

Clay-Man: "Raleigh-Dawg, ever since ah captured Bionic Heat i feel a little woozie."

Raleigh: "Maybe it's the corn liquor?"

Clay-Man: "Hush yo' mouth!! I don't drink alcohol!!!"

Raleigh: "Sorry about that! I was only kidding...you know..."

Clay-Man: "Hush it up...i'm getting a call from the Chief. Uh oh...Blonde Woman, also known as Blondie, has escaped the half-way house. Chief says Blonde Woman escaped half-way from the prison to the half-way house."

Raleigh: "Crime never sleep!! No matter where you go, there's always a call for Clay-Man."

Clay-Man: "Chief didn't say WHY Blonde Woman escaped...she was on her way at being free...get into the Clay-mobile, Raleigh!"

Raleigh: "Uh, Clay-Man! We can fly! Why do you wanna use the car??"

Clay-Man: "My freakin' arms are tired from doing the breast stroke in air!."

Raleigh: "Well!! If YOU would quit swimming through the clouds the way you do! You know how silly you look flying in the air doing the breast stroke???"

Clay-Man: "Do you know how silly YOU look wearing those goggles???"
===================================

Meanwhile, Blonde Woman seeks shelter with another arch-enemy of Clay-Man...oh yes, it's the return of The Maestro!

~violins start playing the Dragnet theme~

====================================

Maestro: "You gotta stay on your toes at all times, Blonde Woman!!! Clay-Man may ACT like a fool but he's not stupid."

Blondie: "Never you worry your pretty little violin with. I have a weapon i'll use on that blasted Clay-Man if he comes near me!"

Maestro: "I thought that i had a sure-fire weapon against him but it back-fired!! The Wordsmith thought SHE had a fool-proof plan, too, by playing MEMORY from CATS. Look at Bionic Heat! She's cooling off in a cooler!! How about The Cowell??? All of us have failed!!!"

Blondie: "Well...i won't fail!! Look at this! I am holding in my hands the weapon that'll kill Clay-Man once and for all."

Maestro: "It looks like a gun."

Blondie: "Well, it's MORE than a gun, Dearie! This is a disc gun! Notice the flat surface near the front?? All one has to do is push this 'eject' button and look at that!! 20 dvd's come flying out!! It's quite deadly if aimed in the proper places."

Maestro: "Do you think it'll work??? I thought when i hit that special note on my violin that it would destroy Clay-Man but he lived and continued to be one of those pesky do-gooders."

Blondie: "Clay-Man won't know what hit him!! Hahahahahahaha!"
================================

Clay-Man and Raleigh-Dawg patch up their difference; Raleigh buries his problem in the back-yard and they move on; Clay-Man learns about Blonde Woman hooking up with The Maestro...oh no!!!

================================

Clay-Man: "Blonde Woman and The Maestro!!! Oh mah goodness...oh mah god!!! Those two will make deadly music together!!"

Raleigh: "I wish i had re-subscribed to Puppy Ear Muffs."

Clay-Man: "Well, one thing ah'm gonna do is stop both of 'em."
==================================

Maestro and Blonde Woman shoot Clay pigeons as target practice with the Disc Gun; Blonde Woman feels rather confident her plan will work...next stop...trapping Clay-Man!
====================================

Clay-Man: "Look, Raleigh-Dawg...that lady looks as if she's in some kind of trouble."

Raleigh: "I wouldn't go over there, Clay-Man!!!"

Blondie: "Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I knew you couldn't resist a woman in distress, Clay-Man!!"

Maestro: "Well, well, well! Hee, hee, hee...lookie who we have here in this net!!!"

Clay-Man: "What are two gonna do with me??"

Blondie: "Clay-Man, i'm gonna rid the world of your do-gooding self. How do you like my Disc Gun??"

Maestro: "Say your prayers, Clay-Man!! Blonde Woman, i'm backing you up with my violin just in case!! Clay-Man knows all too well about my killer note!!"

Blondie: "Once i press this eject button, Clay-Man, you will be sliced and diced with 20 flying DVDs!! At long last, Clay-Man!! Your time is up!! At long last!!"

Clay-Man: "Ah wouldn't be so sure, Blonde Woman!!!"

Just then, Raleigh-Dawg gets on all fours, jumps up, and bites Blonde Woman on the buns...

Blondie: "OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHHHHHH!!! OUCH!!! OUCH!!! OUCH!!!!"

Maestro: "Blonde Woman!!! What in the hell happened to....OUUUUUUCHHHHH!!!! OUCH!!! OUCH!!!"

Raleigh-Dawg bites The Maestro on the buns; Clay-Man sub-dues Blonde Woman while Raleigh-Dawg has The Maestro cornered; The police arrive...

Chief: "Thanks Clay-Man! We didn't know about The Maestro being in town or else we would've warned you ahead of time."

Clay-Man: "Awe shucks...no big deal! We stopped Blonde Woman from using her DVDs against me. Ah don't know HOW ah'd feel having all of those DVDs coming toward me like that!!! Blonde Woman ah heard is gonna make DVDs while in prison and sell them on eBay."

Chief: "The country...no, make that the World...no, no make that Mongolia...Yes, the world of Mongolia owes you a debt of thanks for making the streets of America safe again! How do you do it, Clay-Man??"

Clay-Man: "Ah'm just being myself that's all. C'mon, Raleigh-Dawg...let's go home!"

And so ends another chapter in the bizarre tales of Clay-Man! Join us next time when we read about the latest plots and schemes to rid the world of Clay-Man; Appearing on today's episode were Jayne/HER as Blonde Woman and a special guest appearance by Prissy as The Maestro.

~The End~

[Prissy]

AC,

I just had a chance to read all of your latest "entries."  All are great!  You really can come up with some creative ideas!!!!  

Hugs,
Prissy

[ACcountryFan]

Hello Prissy!! I'm glad your time from the computer was temporary! I don't know if you caught my OCD post to you a few days ago or not but i sent out a wishes to you that your time away would be brief because Clay-Man, Raleigh-Dawg, Rufus, Doofus, Scott and Grace would all miss ya if you were gone for TOO long of a time. I'm also...yikes...i'm being interrupted...

It wasn't too long ago that i stood here and proclaimed my innocence but i am an Innocent Man...

Prissy...i don't know WHAT that was!!! Maybe Billy Joel or something???

Scott and Grace: A Mini-Synopsis:

The Looney's are always full of frolic and fun, balanced with just the proper amount of screaming and bickering to even things out. Scott wanted to go to a strip club the other day. Grace objected. She wanted to go see Clay Aiken instead. Scott didn't attend the Clay concert...Grace went.

While Grace was out, Scott DID go to the strip club. It was so funny because the place was new in town and Scott had only seen an advertisement for it in the newspaper. He went to the building, parked his car, and went inside. After about 20 minutes, Scott realized he'd been scammed. He walked back out to his car and THAT was stripped! How about that, Prissy! Scott's middle name should be irony or he should go under the name "Bad Luck Looney".

Grace came back from the concert...wanted to know where the car was. Scott told her the car had been stripped. She didn't know what to say...specifically because she had no idea what he meant when he said the car had been stripped. "How can a car, strip?" she must have thought to herself. Scott said he left the stripped car downtown and he wouldn't try and fix it up...AGAIN. The car by then was 24 years old. It was a 1981 Pinto station wagon.

So, THAT is why the Looney's as of now, plan on staying home this Christmas. Usually they have a dinner at their house with just a few friends and then have a bigger dinner with the family at a relative's house later that evening. Without their 1981 Pinto, it's gonna be slow going this Christmas UNLESS they're able to find a different car but Scott has many memories of that Pinto and he MIGHT not want a different car.

He recalls the night he and Grace tested the Pinto's back-seat one day. They don't remember the movie that much, though. Then there was that time Scott fixed a flat tire. Grace was standing beside him holding the wrench and when Scott said give it to him, she DID! Scott fell backwards on the cement right next to the car tire. Grace didn't know what to do. She only knew Scott had asked for it and she gave it to him. So, to her, she was in the clear. He got what was coming to him.

There was another time Scott and Grace were out driving in the countryside. The Pinto hit a pot hole. It sent Grace bouncing up and down the front seat...Scott told her to hold her horses and they'd get parked soon enough and for her to cut out the body language. The over-sexed youth of Scott and Grace ultimately caused them to be under-sexed in later years. Well, Scott still has a roaming eye and won't hesitate going out on Grace if the other woman buys the dinner...BUT Grace has been known to cast her eyes on men that drop by to visit Scott.

In a way, they were made for each other. They stick together because nobody else would have them. At various points in their marriage they've tried ending it. MANY times Scott's cheated...a lot of times Grace has came CLOSE to cheating...it's not a happy-go-lucky union at all but it's tempered with humor and at times, dramatic confrontations. Either of the two are character studies into the weaknesses, flaws, and faults of the human mind but then, as usual, they love each other and remain together. Is THAT called love???