Kantucky Fried LadyC - Rated G

[LadyC]

I've been incommunicado again for a few days.  I didn't have to go back into the hospital.  But, well, this is me we're talking about.  So, you ready to hear my latest saga?

I'm laying here in bed Friday morning writing an article for my mother and feeling very annoyed because off in the distance somewhere I can hear this high pitched beeping noise.  It goes on for about 30 minutes or so as I lay there with my oxygen blasting up my nose.

I finish the article and get up to make some coffee and, once I take the oxygen cannula off of my face, I regain the sense of smell and I realize almost instantly what the damned beeping is.

Somebody's smoke alarm.

I live in a building with ten apartments in it.  No clue which one the alarm is coming from, but my apartment is filling with smoke, so I called the stupid manager.  Then I realized the smoke was pouring out of my heater vents ... the apartment RIGHT below me.

Yep ... the damn thing was on fire.  Mr. Wong, or however you spell his name, decided to cook some moo shoo puppy dog or something equally smelly.   :ill  Then he took his barely-speaking-English self to the bar to get sauced or something, with hot oil bubbling away on the stove.

As you may have deduced from the tiny hint of sarcasm in my words, I am not very fond of Wong.  He has a wife and I'm not sure how many children because there seem to be different numbers, sizes, shapes, and genders of kids every time I see them.   :duh   It's weird, I'm tellin' ya!  They cook this nasty food (and yes, they do eat dog!), and the smell comes up through my vents and my apartment always stinks like ... Wong funk.

Now, before somebody gets offended here, let me just clarify.  I don't dislike Asians, nor do I dislike Asian food.  I dislike Wong!!!!  And I dislike whatever it is he cooks that smells like urine!  LOL  Especially now that he tried to KENTUCKY FRY me!!!!

I called 911, turned my oxygen concentrator off and thanked God aloud that I hadn't taken a pain pill and gone to sleep - only to be woken up just in time for the freaking explosion when the fire reached my O2 tanks!

Gives a new and personal meaning to the old movie title The Burning Bed...

       

The manager (who is a   ) unlocked the door down there for the fire department and then stood there with her cell phone and proved that she's as completely useless as I thought she was.  

As I'm dragging my portable oxygen tank, my frightened pit bull/chow dog, and my fat, wheezin' butt down the stairs, cradling my cordless phone between my ear and my shoulder while I'm still on the line with 911, I yelled to the manager, "The dispatcher says to evacuate.  Get everybody out of the building."

She stood there looking at me like this:    Maybe if I pretend I can't hear her, she'll go away and I won't have to actually DO anything.

I put my dog in my little garage and then turned back around, and the dumb woman was still just standing there with her little cell phone.

Uh?  Knock Knock?  Do you WORK HERE?!?!  

I said, "We need to get everybody out of the building."

No reaction.  LOL  I swear, she just stood there with her arms folded!

"We could do that by knocking on doors and telling the people inside to come out..."

More blinking...  

I turned to my hubby and reminded him that I had about 5 full oxygen cylinders in our apartment.  You know, compressed O2, 2000 pounds per square inch....

The labels on the bottle read like the one on my forehead.  

Warning: Contents under extreme pressure.

Apply a little heat, and they become SCUD misscles, or a poor man's version of a small car bomb.

So ... I'm saying it's a little dangerous, if ya get my meaning.

Hubby and I start knocking on doors and getting everyone out of the building, me still dragging my tank stand behind me and trying not to pass out.  And then I remembered my daughter's cat.

Or, you may have heard me refer to her previously as Satan's Kitty.  She's evil, I'm tellin' ya!  Ever seen Pet Semetary?  Stephen King ... remember the evil cat that came back from the dead?  Same kind of cat, only long hair.  And she HATES me!

Ever tried to coax a terrified cat out of a burning building?  

OH.  MY.  GAAAWWWWDDDD!!

It climbed up my body as we were going down the stairs and tried to rip my head off.  So I'm staggering along, wheezing and trying madly with my one free hand to peel the demented, hissing cat off my face.  Then I had to wrestle her into the car, where she managed to jump out before I could shut the door.  I chased her, caught her by a paw or tail, and threw her hissing and spitting back into the car a total of FOUR times before I managed to slam the door before she could make a run for it.

And then I sat on a curb and watched helplessly, sucking on my oxygen like Maggie Smith in The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, as smoke rolled out of my windows.

The big, shiney fire trucks came with all those pretty, flashing lights.  The brave firemen jumped out and ran inside with their huge waterhoses and saved the day.  

They even turned on their sirens.  

By the grace of God, the fire was contained in the one apartment.  We didn't lose anything (except maybe some brain cells) and no one was hurt.  I spent the weekend at my mother's house recovering from smoke inhalation and waiting for my apartment to air out.

I've been in this apartment for a year next month.  We've had five different managers, a homicide, a couple of suicides, a rotting corpse discovered in a storage garage about 30 feet from my front door that had been there for 2 months in the summer heat, two drug busts, and now a fire.  And sadly, I actually live in a good part of town!

Home is where your heart is, my butt!!!  LOL

Anyway, I'm a little slow on recovery, given that I still have a bit of pneumonia I can't seem to shake.  But I'll be back ...

Unless ... I don't know ... the moon falls out of orbit and lands on my roof or something...    

[Claymaniac113078]

OMG Lady C...THANK GOD YOU ARE OK!!!  I hope you don't take this the wrong way....but the way you told your story....I was peeing in my pants.  You could definitely publish it or make a movie out of it.  And then the fireman takes off his mask....and....of course....it would be Clay saving you and riding off into the sunset!!!  But I don't think he would want to take the cat!!!

I think I would seriously consider moving out of that place!!!! What an ordeal.  I'm so sorry you had to go through all that!!!!

Maybe you should send your story to Clay....maybe he will have an extra room he can rent you!!!!!  Of course, that is, if you wouldn't mind living with him!!!

[claynadian]

I've been in this apartment for a year next month.  We've had five different managers, a homicide, a couple of suicides, a rotting corpse discovered in a storage garage about 30 feet from my front door that had been there for 2 months in the summer heat, two drug busts, and now a fire.  And sadly, I actually live in a good part of town!

I heard that the states were vioilent but Giez Luize that's crazy!!! Remind me not to move into that apartment when I move to the states LOL

[Pamela]

Kris, have mercy woman!  What in the world is wrong with Wong?  You are lucky to be OK.  You are lucky not to have been harmed!  And what is wrong with that manager?  She needs to learn how to, you know, manage!  

You are a hoot.  I can imagine that it was nightmarish and horrible while actually happening, but I'm glad you can laugh about it now.  At least I'M laughing about it.  Sorry, can't help it!



You should be proud; you saved yourself, the other tenants, your dog and even the cat from Hell!  I think this would be a good story for your next book too.  

Glad you're OK!  Glad you're back!

 

[LadyC]

And then the fireman takes off his mask....and....of course....it would be Clay saving you and riding off into the sunset!!!  But I don't think he would want to take the cat!!!

LOL!  No problem, Clay.  The cat can GO!  

There were some hunky firemen, but NONE of them could even compare to Clay.  Though, they did look pretty heroic and yummy running into the smoke carrying hatchets and fire hoses.  HUBBA HUBBA

And I'm glad you got a laugh from it.  That was my intention.  I look at my life with humor, because if I take it seriously, I'll go completely insane!  :silly2  So I take that as a compliment.

[LadyC]

Kris, have mercy woman!  What in the world is wrong with Wong?  

ROFL!  EVERYTHING!!!!  He parks in my assigned parking spot, and then when my mother comes over and parks in someone else's spot, I get a written warning.

He cooks ... I don't know WHAT he cooks, but the smell is putrid.  And last fall he got a puppy that kept whining and barking.  It kept getting out and we'd find it running around the property and bring it back.  And then it suddenly disappeared...

It wasn't a pet.  It was livestock.  The man speaks about 20 words of English, and one of them happens to be the F-bomb, which he drops like it's Hiroshima.

You should've heard him when he finally bothered to come home!  LOL  He was blitzed.   :alcoholic  The manager put this huge, silver lock ... thingy that she must've borrowed from the Star Wars set on his door knob so that he couldn't get in without talking to her first.  He was running around outside shouting...

"Oh,   !  Apartment caught fire!  Door locked ... can't get in.  Oh,  , someobody go get manager..."

BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!!   :kungfu

As soon as I get my Social Security settlement, I am SO moving the hell outta here!   :mad

[a friend in need]

And then the fireman takes off his mask....and....of course....it would be Clay saving you and riding off into the sunset!!!  But I don't think he would want to take the cat!!!

LOL!  No problem, Clay.  The cat can GO!  

There were some hunky firemen, but NONE of them could even compare to Clay.  Though, they did look pretty heroic and yummy running into the smoke carrying hatchets and fire hoses.  HUBBA HUBBA

And I'm glad you got a laugh from it.  That was my intention.  I look at my life with humor, because if I take it seriously, I'll go completely insane!  :silly2  So I take that as a compliment.

your like me kris have to look at your life that way or insanity will get you ...... oops its already got me  :joker

[wil555]

Not like you're racist against Asians or anything....:P jk

Good thing you're safe and sensible. :)

[a friend in need]

Not like you're racist against Asians or anything....:P jk

Good thing you're safe and sensible. :)

kris sensible .......... hmmmmmmmmm theres a thought

[LuvMyClay]

Holy Crap .... No Kidding!!!!

Kris ...  Again...Your writing ability amazes me!  I read your post to my husband, and he was hysterical.  It's mind-boggling that you're able to find humor in these "Series of Unfortunate Events", and write about it in such an entertaining way.  You are so VERY gifted!  Keep it up!!!  What an ordeal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pamela's right... what's wrong with Wong???

[Franny]

What an amazing story. Wong is the neighbor from hell. Thank heavens, you're all all right.
 

The big, shiney fire trucks came with all those pretty, flashing lights. The brave firemen jumped out and ran inside with their huge waterhoses and saved the day.

They even turned on their sirens.

And they say that the firemen can lay claim to having the #1 sexiest job.

[hotwaxonclay]

KRIS!! THANK GOODNESS GRACIOUS YOU ARE OKAY!!!

Let me tell you...that story cracked me up something awful...was it supposed to? LOL It did...

I have a satan cat...her name is Lili and she growls whenever you touch, or hold her. One time she grasped onto my head like your cat did lol.

My dad is a fire man...if he was a fireman in your town if we lived near you he may have put out your fire...but I live Ohio...and...not near you...but he does put out lots of fires haha.

Wow all that stuff has happened and you live in a good part of town? I think you should move to the dark side haha.

Wong funk? Moo Shu puppy dog? Thats priceless...

You are awesome Kris!!

[mackncsu]

 What in the world is wrong with Wong?  

best sentence ever!!!!!

This made me laugh for a good 10 minutes!!!

[gcramsey]

This story should be made into a movie!

Best story I've read in a long time.......Oh, sorry for the unfortunate events....

[Moonshot]

Good God woman! I'm glad you are ok! Once again you've managed to make me laugh at your misfortune. Now, could you teach me how to laugh at mine?

You have a bad, life threatening day and can write this amazing recount and laugh at it and make others laugh too. I have a bad day and all I can do is think "dingit I've had a really crappy day" and be crabby and whiney about it and only manage to irritate those around me...which thankfully lately is just my dog and he's had just about enough of me.

How do you do it? Seriously. Teach me, Oh Captain, My Captain.

[LadyC]

How do you do it? Seriously. Teach me, Oh Captain, My Captain.

LOL!  Here's my secret, Michelle:  I'm NUTS!   :silly2

I don't know if I can teach it.  It's a gift, or a burden, depending on perspective.  I've been that way since I was a child.  My grandmother used to tell me that God must've paused, scratching His chin, and considered me for a moment, then decided that if He was going to send me into a home as violent and screwed up as mine was, He had to give me the ability to see the funny side of things.

I think it probably kept me from totally losing it as a little girl.  Unfortunately, no matter how dire the situation now, jokes about whatever's going on pop into my head and very often before I can stop myself, fly out of my mouth.  LOL  Not everyone has such a generous sense of humor as you guys, believe me.  

It's a gift, but it can also be a curse.  For example, my best friend and I were working together one night at the hospital.  I had the ER and she had ICU, both had major ugliness and suffering going on and we needed a pressure relief in a big way, so we went back to that dark little hovel they called the Respiratory Therapy Department and acted like the immature 14-year-old girls we still are on the inside.  She had a magazine, somebody's 50 most beautiful people...

We had in depth conversations about the perfect curves and slopes of Tim McGraw's butt and debated whether he's a brief man or just goes commando.  (I voted for the latter.  )  Then we each did a lengthy dissertation, mine on the sheer raw sexiness that is Val Kilmer and how much of that sexuality has to do with his famous line from Tombstone, "Say when...", and hers on why she'd rather do the funky monkey with Matt Damon than Ben Affleck.

It was 2 in the morning, and we had the giggles.

We got called to the ER STAT for a trauma.  We ran down there, focusing our minds on our jobs and leaving the silliness back in the department.  Traumas are intense and fast paced, and I was Lead that night, so I needed to be focused.

The victim was a young man, probably 25 or so, and he'd been drinking with some friends.  They, in their collective wisdom, decided to do some cliff diving at Causey Dam - where diving is prohibited because of the jagged rocks that make up the lakebed.

Oddly enough, he was fully clothed.   :duh   I guess when you're camping and guzzling booze, spontenaity is everything.

I was baggin him and my friend was helping the nurses cut his sopping wet clothes off.  They made one huge cut in his jeans, and lo and behold, out popped his winkie!!!

 

And the doctor walked in, glanced at it as he gloved up and said, "Looks like our patient was going commando."

ROFL!  I swear to God!  I thought I was going to DIE.  

It was a very serious situation.  I was a highly trained professional.  I tried not to laugh.  I swear, I really tried.



I tried to hold it in.  

But then the admitting clerk came in, a new very timid one who looked like she might pass out at the sight of the partially nude man being resusciated.  She said, "We don't have a name for him yet.  Do I admit him as ER Alert, or John Doe, or some other name?"

Before I could stop myself I said, you guessed it, "Dick.  We could call him Dick."



My friend looked at me like this.    The doctor said, "Well, we all know where Kris's mind is tonight."  Then he looked at the girl from admitting and said, "Richard Doe will be fine for now."

That was the end of what little control I had of my giggles.     Then my friend started giggling.  Then the nurses ...

The doc finally said, "Kris, thank you for the comic relief, now shut up and bag.  Let's get to work here, people."

I know, it's awful.  A trauma room is no place for jokes, especially not at a patient's expense.  That's why I say it can be a curse.

In my defense, the patient was unconscious, and I gave my patients the best care I could and as much compassion as I could.  Anyone who's worked in critical settings can tell you that sometimes, ya just gotta laugh or you'll lose it!

[ChrisieD]

Lady C wrote :

But then the admitting clerk came in, a new very timid one who looked like she might pass out at the sight of the partially nude man being resusciated. She said, "We don't have a name for him yet. Do I admit him as ER Alert, or John Doe, or some other name?"

Before I could stop myself I said, you guessed it, "Dick. We could call him Dick."

OMG Kris, you crack me up !!    

[!x!ClayxGirl!x!]

LMAO an evil cat..That wuz funny!!!!

[Moonshot]

Great ER story!

How do you do it? Seriously. Teach me, Oh Captain, My Captain.

LOL!  Here's my secret, Michelle:  I'm NUTS!   :silly2

Well drat! That explains it. I'm bananas. You're nuts. Sort of the jell-o/creme brulee of the whacked-out world.  I can dream of reaching your level of nutdom but it shall never be.

Bummer.