EXPRESS YOURSELF

[ACcountryFan]

RUFUS AND DOOFUS: IN THE WOODS
Now it's time for backwoods fun with the hillbilly duo, Rufus and Doofus

Doofus: "Even though the woods are behind our farm house it doesn't mean that i'm still not scared of them."

Rufus: "I say there's nothing to be scared of. The woods are only a few steps behind our back door."

Doofus: "But you're forgetting how BIG the woods are...that's a LONG walk from behind our back door."

Rufus: "Well, if you wanna go back, fine! But you'll be walking back, ALONE! A those many steps away from the back door but it's your choice."

Doofus: "I'll stay! I'll stay!"
==================================

Chanting is heard throughout the woods...

===================================

Doofus: "Well, i am NOT gonna stick around to find out where that chanting is coming from!!! Goodbye!!!"

Rufus: "DOOFUS!!!! Get back here...get over...oh well...go on and leave, you chicken!"

======================================

Doofus wanders in the woods, not knowing where he is heading; Rufus follows the chanting...it gets louder and louder and louder and finally...

==================================

Barque: "Ah ha!!! Caught ya sneaking around my woods!!! You'll get boiled in your own oil for this!! Get him, boys!!"

Rufus: "No! NO!! NO!!!!!!!"

Barque: "This will teach ya to come sneaking around my woods!!! Throw him in the pot, boys!! He looks like a delicious specimen."
=================================

Doofus doesn't hear chanting anymore; With a renewed determination, he sets out to find Rufus...unaware that a tribe of cannibals have thrown Rufus into a pot of water...

===================================

Barque: "Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Scream your head off!! It won't do ya any good!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Alright boys, fire up that wood!!! Make the pot nice and hot!!! Hahahahahahaha I'm gonna love this!!!!"

=====================================

Doofus stumbles upon the cannibal's village; He notices the sign that reads "No Human Meat on Tuesdays" and wonders what day it is; He remembers it's Friday and so that means the cannibals are gonna have a delicious pot of Rufus au Gratin if something doesn't happen and quick!!!

=======================================

Barque: "Is the water gettin' nice and steamy hot for ya???? I so much am craving me some tenderloin! Yum, yum!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha"

Rufus, being boiled alive and getting steamed by the second, lashes out:

Rufus: "YOU'RE A MAD MAN!!!!"

Barque: "I am also a cannibal and soon i'll be a very full man...sing-a-long with me if you will: yummy, yummy, it's oh so yummy...human shish kebab down my tummy!"

Rufus: "NOT ONLY ARE YOU A MAD MAN...YOU ARE DISGUSTING AS WELL!!!! HEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!! SOMEONE!!! ANYONE!!! I'LL EVEN SETTLE FOR DOOFUS!!!!!!!!"

Barque: "Keep screaming!!! It's makes your neck fill up nicely as it's boiling!! Hahahahahahahaha"

Barque hears movement...senses danger...

Barque: "Huh?? What was that??? Who goes there?? Whoever you are, show yourself!!"

Clay-Man busts through the thick wooded brush...

Clay-Man: "It's over, Barque!!! Give up or else!!"

Barque: "Not without a fight, Clay-Man!"

As Clay-Man and Barque fight it out, Doofus sneaks in and pulls a soggy Rufus from the pot of water...

Barque: "I will NEVER give up, Clay-Man!!! Never, never, never, never!!!!"

Clay-Man: "Alrighty then! Y'all asked for it!!!"

Clay-Man opens up his mouth and uses his seldom used secret weapon! With just opening his mouth a little bit, Clay-Man ejects a lightning bolt of a glory note jolt that sends shock waves throughout Barque's body; it's sort of like a stun-gun that comes from the mouth if ya wanna get specific!

Rufus: "Clay-Man!!! I don't know what i can do to thank you!!"

Clay-Man: "Awww, don't thank me! Y'all should thank Doofus!! He's the one who remembered mah cell-phone number and gave me a call!"

Rufus: "Thanks, Doofus!"

Doofus: "I just knew i had to do something!!! There you were in that pot of boiling water and Clay-Man was the only person i could think of to call!!"

Clay-Man: "Well, now that you're safe and Barque has been taken care of, ah'll be a headin' back home!"

Doofus: "Don't forget Raleigh-Dawg!"

Clay-Man: "Shoot!! Where oh where did Raleigh-Dawg go??? Where oh where could my Raleigh-Dawg be?? Lordy almighty i hope Raleigh-Dawg didn't fall into that pot of water!!! Raleigh-Dawg!!!! RALEIGH-DAWG!!! Oh, hold on a minute...Raleigh-Dawg wasn't brought with me on this caper!! Don't scare me like that again!! Y'all can give a guy a heart attack, ya know!!" 

And so ends another tale of the absurd! Rufus and Doofus...the hillbilly duo showing us how everyone really is but reminding us of how we shouldn't be.

~The End~

[Prissy]

AC,

Always love a good Scott and Grace story.  I have to add something about the Pinto.  One of my friends drove a Pinto  a long time, but not as long as Scott!   Once, we had a lot of rain, so much, that some of the streets flooded.  My friend was in a parking spot filled with water.  She drove her Pinto forward not realizing that the parking spot had one of those "curb" type things in front of it.  She drove the front wheels over it, but then she was stuck and the "curb" prevented her from going forward or backward.  I remember she took a photo of it. I'm not sure how long she was there and I can't remember how she finally got it "free."

I also seem to recall that a report came out that if a Pinto was rear ended, it could catch on fire or something dire would happen.  The Pinto was almost looked on like the Edsel.

Prissy

PS:  I did get your PM about football.  (By the way, I am a Dallas Cowboy fan and so is Lora of Ohio. ) I look forward to your skit.

[ACcountryFan]

Hello Prissy! My dad had a blue Pinto station wagon for a couple of years. It was a lemon car. I believe the rumors are true about them catching on fire easily!!! Thinking about that Pinto is what caused me to include it in that story.

I posted that football game skit over at the OCD. It's on page 80. I sent you a PM about it a few minutes ago. It's about AC, Tiffany, and Sara at the Bengals-Ravens game and the chaos that takes place.

I heard that the Cowboys got beat by the Redskins on Sunday! I didn't watch the game. I was watching the Bengals beat the Lions!! That win gives Cincinnati a spot in the play-off's!!

[Claymaniac2000]

Jerry, I just read a few of  your skits that I had missed.  What a talented man you are. Keep on writing them. We love reading them.

[ACcountryFan]

AC's NOVELTY CORNER[/u]
THE BREAK-IN[/u]
2005 by ACcountryFan

I had heard various break-in songs down through the years. Well, they're not REALLY songs...they're more or less like stories but they have real songs and quotes inserted into the story at a proper time to make something funny or to highlight a crucial point in a story. Buchanan and Goodman's "Flying Saucer" is the definitive example of a break-in. They also came up with a holiday follow-up, "Santa and the Satellite" along with "Buchanan and Goodman on Trial".

The formula: The two searched through the Top-40 songs of their day and spliced snippets of recordings into their stories. The "Flying Saucer" was inspired by all of the UFO reports in the national headlines. In the song, Buchanan was heard as the news anchor while Goodman played "John Cameron Cameron", based on John Cameron Swayze. Chuck Berry's scat singing phrase in the song "Tutti Frutti" is used in the "Flying Saucer" as the voice of the alien who lands on earth

The single hit the Top-5 on the Hot 100. No other single by the duo or either of their solo releases went higher than #3...Goodman came close many years later when a single called "Mister Jaws" hit #4.

However, since novelty music and 'comedy' songs are not considered a part of mainstream music, their rankings on the charts aren't as important. In novelty music, it's the simple fact of GETTING on the charts in the first place that makes the single a success given the resistance radio has at playing novelty songs. Continued sales or airplay are like a bonus in the world of novelty music. Goodman had a string of Hot 100 singles after he split-up with Buchanan.

Goodman committed suicide in 1989 and Buchanan died of cancer in 1996.

[ACcountryFan]

In the following program, Scott and Grace come together and work on AC and Jerry's dream house...

Get ready for the latest program to hit the air...

"Designs for the Same Sexes".

Grace: "Even if we're working on a dream house, my god, even if that's the case, remember that it doesn't mean a thing!!! I'm still mad at you and don't forget it!"

Scott: "I remember!! I don't know why in the hell AC and Jerry couldn't find someone else to work on the dream house!! This whole thing and this stupid show is beyond me! It's so damn pathetic!!!"

Off-camera, the director lets the two know they're about to go on the air...and 4, 3, 2, and...

Grace: "Good morning out there!!! Welcome to Designs of the Same Sexes. I'm Grace Looney and this here is my darling husband, Scott...say hi, Scott..."

Scott: "Howdy, folks! Hi there!"

Scott flashes a smile and the camera pans over to Grace who's showing us some teeth as well...

Grace: "On today's installment we're gonna design the dream house for ACcountryFan and his husband, Jerry."

Scott: "Right you are, Grace! I've often wondered...when two men get married, which last name to they go with?? I wonder if our friends over there in Bosnia wonder that same thing? Let's all cheer for the folks over there in Bosnia and the Vulcans..."

Grace: "The Vulcans?"

Scott: "Oops...sorry! I mean the Balkans. How silly of me"

Grace: "If we're to get started, we need to first tend to that bedroom."

As the Looney's make their way up-stairs, the show goes into a commercial...

Scott: "How much more of this sugary sweetness can i take??? I just wanna pulverize you with this plunger!!! DAMN IT HOW MUCH I WANNA HURT YOU!!"

Grace: "You better stop waving that plunger around or i'll stuff it so far up your behind you'll think you have company!!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!"

...and 3, 2, and...

Grace: "Oh my geeze, Scott!! Would ya look at this bedroom??? How in the world did Jerry manage so long being single??? I'm so glad AC is in his life now!"

Scott: "3 cheers for AC!! Hear, here!"

Grace: "First, we gotta take the blankets off this bed...look at it, Scott...look at that big bump in the middle of the bed!!! Jerry so does find interesting places to hide his clothes!!! Help me rip the blanket off..."

The two rip off the blanket...

Scott: "AC!!!! Jerry!!! What are you two lovely men doing here?? Welcome to Designs for the Same Sexes...great having you here."

AC: "Cut the crap, Scott! We were eavesdropping the WHOLE time. This program was suppose to help you two get back together..."

Jerry: "But all the two of us heard were bickering between commercials..."

AC: "This is my last warning...i thought i made myself clear the LAST time...if the two of you Looney birds don't patch things up, i'm canning the two of you! No more 'Scott and Grace'! No more anything!! You two will be dead as far as fame is concerned. Do i make myself clear???"

Jerry: "Do as he says!!! Listen, i know my episodes have been kind of heavy lately and not TOO funny but i'll think of something to keep you two together...don't worry...your jobs are safe..."

AC: "Don't tell them that!!! Who's side are you on, anyway???"

Jerry: "I'm on your side...and i HOPE to be laying next to your side tonight."

AC: "My side, side? My front side, or my back side?"

Jerry: "Any side will do."

AC clears his throat and they excuse themselves...leaving Scott and Grace on the set of Designs for the Same Sexes...what a farce!!

Scott: "How do you like that?? This wasn't even a real TV show!!!"

Grace: "That AC is a sick-o. It was all HIS idea!!!"

Scott and Grace laugh hysterically and fall onto the bed they thought they both had to over-haul; Unaware that the camera was still rolling...

Tune in next time...

[ACcountryFan]

Last time, Scott and Grace found themselves in bed together...unaware that the camera was still rolling...it's now the morning after...still on the set of Designs for the Same Sexes...

Scott: "I don't know what came over me last night. I didn't mean to make love with you."

Grace: "Oh yes you did!! You wanted it as much as i wanted it. You can act macho all you want but deep down you love it and you love me...i don't know why you just won't admit it. After all of these years you've never said it much."

Scott: "I don't like saying it. I feel weird saying it. Even though i do...uh...you know...i don't like saying it. You should know i...uh, you know..."

Grace: "Let's get out of here! What time is it??? I feel like we're in high school sneaking out of the high school gym after hours..."

Scott: "It's 9 in the morning. The last thing i know the clock read 3 in the morning."

Scott and Grace quickly leave the studio...several hours later Drake, a custodian for the studio notices that the camera is still running; Drake had learned all about the camera equipment when AC hired him as a jack-of-all-trades and this afternoon he was a custodian...

Drake: "Hmmm...this camera's still running! I best have a look see..."

Drake prepares everything and examines the video footage

Drake:

Drake, unaware of the innocence of the love-making he's watching, thinks AC is into adult movie making; He calls up the studio's attorney...

Drake: "Oh my God!!! Gamblit, you gotta get down here to AC's studio right away!!! I think the guy has gone off the deep end...yes, for the 10th time!!! Get over here!! You gotta see this latest project he's making!!! YIKES!!!"

Gamblit rushes to the studio, thinking AC's in some sort of trouble; Drake plays Gamblit the video of steamy sex...

Gamblit:

Drake: "That's just what i said when i first saw it!!! I've known Scott and Grace for decades...i can't imagine AC would ruin their folksy, down-home image and have them star in an X-rated romp!!! YUCK!!!!"

Gamblit: "There's gotta be an explanation for this! Scott and Grace's contracts specifically state that under NO circumstances are they to be videotaped or photographed nude. AC is violating their contracts!!! More importantly, if Scott and Grace are unaware of this, AC can be charged with serious crimes since he taped this fore-play and intercourse on top of all of the contract violations!!! I have to repeat what you said...YUCK!!! What will America think when they get word that Scott and Grace have sex like everyone else??? Come on...let's go! There's suppose to be a big meeting here in a few minutes...come on...we don't want the media seeing the janitor and the Attorney talking to one another or they'll know something is up!"

Drake: "I gotta..."

Gamblit: "No time for that!! We gotta go, NOW!!! We're not even suppose to be in this room!!! COME ON!!!"

Gamblit pulls Drake with him...leaving that juicy video behind...ON THE DESK...right where AC and Pastor Henry are gonna be delivering a speech; Scott and Grace are in attendance...

Grace: "I wish the Pastor and AC would hurry up!! These seats are murder!!"

Scott: "I just heard a door...they must be arriving any second..."

AC and Pastor Henry walk down the aisle and make their way to the desk; they bow to each other...they take one another's hand...Grace's friend, Prissy, gets up and starts playing some square dance music for entertainment on her violin; Finally, after 7 encores of Red River Valley, the music and square dancing is over; Pastor Henry and AC start discussing the new Religious programs on AC's TV station...unaware that the video that the Pastor THINKS is a preview of his new show is actually Scott and Grace's bedroom romp...

[ACcountryFan]

Now, Part Three of "Scott and Grace: Designs for the Same Sexes"; The last time, the Pastor and AC had entertained the audience with 7 encores of Red River Valley; AC and the Pastor are now at the desk...the Pastor's hand is holding the sordid video as if it were a bible...let's join in...

Pastor: "Thank you AC for that warm welcome! I'm sure our church and all of our worshipers will love being associated with your network. You run a family-friendly channel and we think Scott and Grace are hilarious".

Pastor Henry is tapping the video on his notebook...as AC is going on and on about religious television and how a new program called Noah's Ark will be more religious than possible...that gets thunderous applause. Now, Pastor Henry is about to play the video he thinks showcases his program that he's trying to pitch to advertisers...unaware that the video is Scott and Grace's love-making...

Pastor: "Before i play this video, i'd first like to let everyone know that i had a blast filming this. The crew and cast literally worked their you know what's off getting this tape completed in time. If i were to not make another TV program, i'd want THIS to be what i am remembered for. So, if you will, start up the machine and let's watch this remarkable show! It had some great scripting and the ward-robe was brilliant...such fun directing this program..."

The video is shown...the Pastor turns as white as his collar; AC turns as red as his tie; Scott and Grace duck down and crawl out of the darkened room...

AC:

AC sees Scott and Grace crawling out...he always had good night vision; He decides to join them...

Pastor: "Oh my, my, my, my, my. my!! Oh my Lord, please forgive me...oh my, my, my, my, my!!! Oh my Lord, don't shun me...oh my. my, my, my!! Oh my Lord, forgive the one who's eyes befell on such a sickening sight. Amen!"

The room has been reduced to laughter and gasps and shocking expressions...Pastor Henry glances back up on the screen and see's Grace do something not imaginable and his eyes roll back in his head, he falls over, gasping for air...in a few minutes, Pastor Henry passed away.

Hearing chaos, and thinking AC was in danger, Gamblit busts into the chaotic atmosphere...he sees that sex video of Scott and Grace playing on the big screen...the act of seeing such a thing and hearing Grace coo between kisses was just too much for Gamblit to take and he pulls a gun on himself and goes down fast...

The shots silenced the room; I say "shots" because he missed his head the first time because he glanced up again and saw Scott kicking his legs in the air; Gamblit falls across Pastor Henry; Drake calls the police to report on the deaths of Pastor Henry and Gamblit...but he also alerts the police to a sex video...the police mis-interpret this and...well...see for yourself...

Thomas: "Alright you two homo's!!! Up off that floor right now!!! How dare such a public display of behavior be allowed!!! And a pastor of all things!!! Gamblit?? It that YOU??? What in the hell are you doing laying on the pastor like that??? You two should be ashamed of yourselves!! Where are the bodies of the deceased at??"

Drake: "You were just yelling at the deceased!!"

Thomas: "And what do we have here?? Hmmm...you all having a private little orgy going on i see!!!"

Drake: "There is NO orgy!!"

Thomas: "Then WHY is there an adult movie showing on the big screen??? Explain THAT!!"

Drake: "I can't explain it or else you'd think i AC needs locked up again..."

Thomas: "Oh...now i get it!!! AC is branching out into the adult movie business, eh?? Well, we have rules against that kind of filth here!!! Where IS he???"

Drake: "He's right over..."

Thomas: "Ah ha! He disappeared!!! He's guilty you can tell!!"

Drake: "Don't be too harsh on AC. It's his mind...some days he's here and some days he's in Mars or someplace else..."

Meanwhile, AC had crawled out behind Scott and Grace; the three of them are outside of the studio...still crawling...Grace suggests they stop crawling since they're outside...

AC: "You two have a LOT of explaining to do!!! How in the world did the two of you end up on the Pastor's video??? And what in the world was the Pastor doing HAVING a video like that in the first place???"

Scott: "The only way we can figure it out is that video was from YOUR camera at the studio...the one at the Designs for the Same Sexes set. Grace and i kind of...you know...and the camera caught the WHOLE thing!!!"

AC: "How cute!!! BUT who RELEASED THE FILM????? HOW DID IT GET ON THE SET OF MY RELIGIOUS TALK WITH PASTOR HENRY?????"

Drake walks outside...he and Officer Thomas track down AC, Scott, and Grace...Drake, being the jack-of-all-trades, is now acting like a private investigator...

Drake: "There they are, Officer. AC's plotting with them right now how they're gonna tape the next sex romp..."

Thomas: "Alright you three sick-o's!!! Arms out and legs spread..."

Drake whispers...

Drake: "Pssst, don't say an expression like THAT...not after learning of the business they're in..."

Thomas takes the three of them to the police station; AC gets out of trouble after Scott and Grace admit to having made love under their own power and weren't forced into doing it for the camera....to which they announced they didn't realize it hadn't been shut off...

Drake is fired and blamed for the deaths of Pastor Henry and Gamblit...he manages to escape the police and he wanders around for a few weeks before throwing himself off a building near the studio; He always wanted to be an actor and after his suicide, he got his 15 minutes of fame; Scott and Grace reunite and start all over again...patching things up since the last time they patched things up it didn't stick too good; Jerry and AC have their dream house built by professionals; Pastor Henry and Gamblit's deaths were pinned on Drake as previously mentioned, since he was the mastermind behind the aggressive plot to ruin AC and it was HE who made that innocent love making into a sordid romp when he shown the video to Gamblit...setting in motion all the events that followed.

~The End~

[Claymaniac2000]

Funny, Funny skit Jerry. Where in the world do all these ideas come from?

[ACcountryFan]

THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM
It's The Jack Benny Program...with Jack's special guest, Clay Aiken...brought to you by Lucky Strike...

Don: "Friends, this is Don Wilson. Lucky Strike is the brand name you should know. LSMFT...Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco. It's also toasted. It's toasted! So go the next time you're in your local grocery store or drug store, pick up a box of Lucky Strike!"

Hooray for Hollywood...blending into Love in Bloom...yes, folks....it means it's time for Jack Benny...

Jack: "Hello folks, this is Jack Benny talking. Don, you wouldn't believe what happened to me on the way to the studio! This is a doozy..."

Phil Harris: "Did someone call my name??"

Jack: "Phil...i'm talking to Don...stop interrupting. Like i was saying...this is a doozy of..."

Phil: "There ya go, Jackson! You said it again!"

Jack: "Phil! Look...STOP INTERRUPTING!!!! Now, Don...what i was trying to say about my trip to the studio...it's just a doozy..."

Phil: "Alright Jackson have it your way! You keep calling me over with all that boozy talk!"

Jack: "Boozy talk?? Phil...do you need your ears checked??? I said Doozy!!! DOOZY talk!!! I didn't say boozy talk for heaven's sake!"

Dennis Day: "Boozy talk, Mr Benny? I didn't know you drank!?"

Jack: "Dennis!? Where did you come from??"

Dennis: "My mother."

Jack: "NOW CUT THAT OUT!!!!"

Don: "He's right, Jack! Everyone came from their mother!"

Jack: "Don...stop agreeing with Dennis! I suppose YOUR mother was a whale?? HA HA HA! I thought it was funny. Don...Don...where are you going???"

Phil: "Now you did it, Jackson! You hurt Don's feelings. I bet he won't do the Lucky Strike commercial now! Thanks a lot, Jackson!"

Jack: "Oh for heaven's sakes, that's silly! Let him sulk..."

Mary Livingstone: "Hi everybody!"

Cast: "Hello Mary!"

Mary: "What's everyone talking about?"

Dennis: "Mr Benny was about to delight us with a boozy story."

Jack: "THAT'S DOOZY STORY!!!"

Dennis: "See, Mary...Mr Benny thinks the boozy story is a doozy!"

Jack: "NOW CUT THAT OUT!!! Gee whiz! A guy can't even get one word out around here!!"

Dennis: "If you weren't so boozy, Mr Benny, you might be able too..."

Later, special guest Clay Aiken is visited by Jack at an RCA studio in Hollywood...

Jack: "Yes, this seems to be the place! Oh, mister...mister..."

Frank Nelson: "YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS????!!!!!"

Jack: "Oh for the love of...don't tell me YOU are working at RCA now??"

Frank: "If i don't someone better call the police quick!!"

Jack: "Oh shut up...i'll find Clay's session on my own..."

Jack wanders along and runs into another annoying character

Tout: "Hiya bud...longtime...no see!"

Jack: "I'm very busy..."

Tout: "I see ya are lookin' for Clay Aiken."

Jack: "Yeah...that's right. I want him to be on my program."

Tout: "I see that you're also carrying a check-book, bud. Spending some dough?"

Pause from Jack...

Tout: "Excuse me bud...i asked you a question...spending some dough, yeah? No? Maybe? Are ya hard of hearing, bud?"

Another pause from Jack...

Jack: "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!"

Tout: "So long, bud!"

Jack finally meets up with Clay in the studio...

Jack: "Ah ha! Just the man i've been looking for!!! I won't stall or waste either or our time...i'll just come out and say i want you to be on my program."

Clay: "Ah'm kinda busy at the moment. Ah got a performance on Lawrence Welk this week and ah got a special appearance as Ozzie Nelson's long-lost nephew on his program and ah got..."

Jack: "Listen...what are Lawrence and ol' Ozzie paying you?"

Clay: "Ummmm...ah think they said i'd be gettin' about $20,000 each appearance."

Jack's eyes grow wide, he then faints...

Clay: "Mr Benny!!! Oh mah god!!!!! Hmmmm...let me try this...Mr Benny!!!"

Clay waves a few hundred dollar bills in Jack's face; Instantly revived, Jack regains his composure...

Jack: "Did you say $20,000 each appearance???"

Clay: "Ah'm kind a of afraid to say what ah said...you might pass out again! Alright...what would y'all pay me for an appearance??"

Jack: "Awww, i'm kind of embarrassed at what CBS pays for talent. Shucks...i'd say about $350.00"

Clay's eyes get wide...and HE faints...

Jack: "Clay??? Clay!!?? Hmmmm...let me try this..."

Jack waves a doughnut in Clay's face that he spotted over by the desk; instantly revived, Clay and Jack negotiate a deal...

Clay: "Thanks so much Mr Benny! Maybe if the price was rounded up to $400.00 ah'll make an appearance. Ya know, gas has gone up to over 45 cents a gallon..."

Jack: "That sounds reasonable, Clay! I HAVE noticed the gas prices being outta sight!! I'll throw in the extra fifty but shhhh, don't tell my public that!!!! Well, rehearsal is at 3pm Saturday and we do a quick read-through Sunday and hit the air Sunday nights at 7:30."

Clay: "Ah'll see ya next weekend, Mr Benny!"

Jack will be back in a minute but first...have you ever wondered what life would be like if it didn't have any Lucky Strikes? I know, i know...a sad thought. LSMFT...Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco! So light up a Lucky, you'll be so glad you did...let's listen to the Lucky Strike jingle once again...

If you want better taste from your cigarette
Lucky Strike is the brand to get
It's toasted to give you the best taste yet
It's the toasted cigarette

Luckies taste smoother
Cleaner, better, richer
Luckies taste smoother

LSMFT!! LSMFT!!

Jack: "I was gonna tell you all about my TV show which comes on following our radio program but you'll just have to tune in and WATCH IT!!! Goodnight, folks!"

This has been The Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny; Mary Livingstone; Phil Harris; Dennis Day; Frank Nelson; and yours truly Don Wilson!!

Clay Aiken appears through courtesy of RCA Records; Don't miss Clay's up-coming appearance on Bing Crosby's Kraft Music Hall...Clay will be singing his latest RCA single "Chances Are" available wherever fine vinyl is sold...

[ACcountryFan]

CLAYSMOKIN' HOT

Ah'm Marshall Aiken...ah have sworn to uphold justice and the law here in Dodgeball City. Some say the west is full of criminals and ne'er-do-wells and ah'm here just in case ah run into any! Ah'm the first person innocent citizens look for when things go wrong and ah'm the last person crooks and thugs wanna see. Mah deputy, Linda Ledfoot, came running in the station telling me of the terrible news she heard at Miss Rainey's Saloon in Dodgeball City.

Linda: "Marshall Aiken!! Marshall Aiken!! I got terrible news...i just heard it at Miss Rainey's Saloon."

Aiken: "Do tell, Deputy Ledfoot!"

Linda: "Well, i can't tell you here. Let's jump on our horses and scour the countryside...i don't trust the locals."

Deputy Ledfoot and I jumped on our horses and went a-riding out in the countryside. We made it near Mount Mouse. Deputy Ledfoot and i jumped off our horses and she then told me the news about the dangerous outlaw who was wanted in 13 states...Linda had word that he was making his way through Dodgeball on his way toward the state line. Linda and i made our way back to Dodgeball and stopped inside Miss Rainey's Saloon for a little pick-me-up. Miss Rainey if ah do say so myself was always up for fun at any time...she never hid her attraction toward me but deep down she knew ah was in love with the wild west and not her western libido.

Rainey: "Well, Marshall, what brings your long legged lovely looks in here tonight??"

Miss Rainey didn't waste any words, either.

Aiken: "Deputy Ledfoot and i gotta head off a dangerous do-badder before he reaches the state line."

Rainey: "No kidding?? Sounds dangerously sexy, Marshall!"

Aiken: "Now, you know ah don't mix work with fun, Miss Rainey."

Rainey: "Awww, come on...just one little kiss??"

Aiken: "Ah'm sorry...ah can't do it, Miss Rainey..."

Ah could see Miss Rainey wasn't gonna take 'no' for an answer. When she stood on her tip-toes to kiss me, i ducked and she gave Deputy Ledfoot one hell of a kiss...Miss Rainey opened her eyes and seen Deputy Ledfoot wiping her mouth off and spitting on the floor...shaking her fist at Miss Rainey and cussing some words at her...

Rainey: "Oh heaven's sake...i think i made a boo-boo."

Deputy Ledfoot and i left Miss Rainey's Saloon and we headed out farther west. We heard shots coming from the east...Deputy Ledfoot jumped off her horse with both guns firing...she really put Annie Oakley and those types to shame. However, up came a fancy dressed man riding a fancy horse...he spoke broken english for the most part but indicated that he was gonna kill me and mah Deputy...Ah called his bluff and he went for his gun! Ah drawed mine first...ah blasted him rat outta his boots. Deputy Ledfoot went over to frisk him. We learned he was Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney...wanted in 13 states for accident shooting. We tied Cheney up...Deputy Ledfoot wanted to kiss him but ah told her she couldn't kiss criminals like that...she suggested another way of kissing him and ah finally had to give in or else she wouldn't polish my rifle anymore.

On the way back we stopped in at Miss Rainey's Saloon for a few more drinks...

Rainey: "I see you've been out shooting again, Marshall! What dangerous desperado have you got today???"

Aiken: "Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney! Wanted in 13 states for accident shooting!"

Rainey: "Does he look dangerously sexy???"

Ledfoot: "Go see for yourself, Miss Rainey. We have him tied up outside."

From inside the saloon we hear Miss Rainey start chuckling and then laughing her head off...she walks back inside...no, make that she crawls back inside from laughing so hard.

Rainey: "That's sexy???"

Miss Rainey can't stop laughing...little did we know that the REAL reason she started laughing was that there WAS no Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney outside tied up!!! What she saw was a horse with ropes dangling from the saddle.

Aiken: "Ah see you're in a laughing mod tonight, Miss Rainey. Did you get a good loook at Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney??"

Rainey:

Deputy Ledfoot goes out to check on things and sees that Cheney is gone!!!!

Ledfoot: "Marshall!!! Marshall!! Cheney's gone!!!!"

Aiken: "Awwh shucks!!! Come on...we gotta get the heck outta Dodgeball and track down that dangerous desperado!!"

Deputy Ledfoot and I scour the countryside again...this time with no such luck. No matter...Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney will show up again in Dodgeball. Ah have a feelin' he'll return...and when he does he will get a taste of Clay Smoke!

WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT...A LAUGH-FEST??? IT'S A WESTERN

THE CAST:

Marshall Aiken: Clay Aiknen
Miss Rainey: Lorraine
Linda Ledfoot: Linda
Dangerous Chain-Gang Cheney: Dick Cheney

[Prissy]

AC,

Great writing as usual.  I thought I commeneted on the Jack Benny skit! Was it also in the OCD?  Always love Scott and Grace!!

Prissy

[ACcountryFan]

ITALIAN BREAD: THE RISE, FALL, AND RISE OF RAINEYCAKES: ADULT FILM STAR!

Welcome once again to our monthly look at famous Italians. On today's episode we take a look into the career of Italian siren and legendary adult film star, RaineyCakes.

RaineyCakes has appeared in exactly 300 films spanning a 10 year period, 1996-2006. Famous for her series of "Honey" films, RaineyCakes, at the end of her career, exclusively appeared in the films that depicted her infatuation with Clay Aiken.

70 "Honey" films have been produced and released in Italy in a 2 year span, 2004-2006. Her first "Honey" film came along late in 2004. In it, RaineyCakes encounters a guy who she insists is American pop singer, Clay Aiken.

Things go from bad to worse because RaineyCakes loses control when she sees her "Honey" and her honey responds.

As the "Honey" series progressed, inspiration started to wane. AC, the producer, director, writer, and camera man, had this to say when interviewed:

"Look, by the time we made it to the 45th HONEY film, i could tell we were facing a blank wall. Nothing was working. RaineyCakes wasn't happy with the material. She didn't want these look-a-likes of her Honey. She wanted the REAL honey, Clay Aiken. It was a difficult time for all of us because RaineyCakes was a knock-out and up to that time she had starred in 275 adult films for us. I talked her into making more and we ended up doing 25 more HONEY films. We stopped the series at 70 and that gave RaineyCakes a total of 300 adult films in Italy."

After the last "Honey" was released, RaineyCakes went into a spiral. She started hanging out on the wrong side of town with the wrong crowd. Before, she had hung around the wrong side of town with the right crowd.

Persudaded to return to the adult film world, RaineyCakes was pleased to issue to brand spanking new Italian films this week. There's certainly some spanking going on in these, too! "Bang-la-Dish" is the story of an obsessed woman who travels to Bangladesh in search of Clay Aiken. Along the way, as is routine, RaineyCakes has several encounters with guys she thinks are Clay Aiken. The other brand spankin' new film is "Bud-a-Pet"...about a lady in Budapest who thinks she see's Clay Aiken but she figures petting is how she'll decide who's Clay and who's a fake.

AC says: "Well, when you gotta winning formula, why mess with it?? I was worried because inspiration was lagging in the last films BUT we were still making money and RaineyCakes had by then become a cult singing star in America with her Rain-Makers group. So, we're sort of trying to get the best of both worlds. Rainey and her singing group tour often but when she's not singing, she's back in Italy steaming...steaming up the screen that is."

And so, RaineyCakes is back on top in the Italian adult film industry and she's plugging away at a recording career. When asked about her popularity resurgance, she smiles and says: "I used to take my talent for granted back 10 or 11 years ago...but now that i've become more experienced and a little bit more older, i feel the sky's the limit. Just give me my honey, or any honey for that matter, a place to lay down, and i'm good to go."

God bless you, RaineyCakes. You represent all that America strives to become. You've tasted success, once...then tasted the bitter taste of failure...and now you are once again tasting success. This time we are all hoping success doesn't leave a nasty after-taste in your mouth.

RaineyCakes! You are thee best!

[yukino]

Greetings Fellow Writers/Poets!

     What on earth happened to the Poet's Corner? Now there's this humongous forum, I am quite alarmed-lol! Well, here's my latest poem anyway... =)

Love Poem

I want to pull you close to me
So close that there would be no space between us
And I could feel the warmth of your body
I want to hold you tight
But not too tight, in a tender way, I suppose
I want to kiss your lips, know their taste, and what they feel like
Above all, I want to tell you something
I want you to know that I love you
Truly, madly, deeply
I love you


Love,
Yukino

p.s. Clay is a sexy beast! 

[ACcountryFan]

Hello yukino!

This song parody was written by me with Carla in mind. She posts on the OCD mostly...a thread in the MEMBER'S CORNER. Her screen name is Clays Cashew. I created a fake rock group built around her "spiffy" catch-phrase and the "sketch" nick-name i bestowed upon her several weeks ago.

CLAY WILL BE WEARIN' A CROWN
2006 by ACcountryFan; parody of "Love Will Turn You Around" by Kenny Rogers; performed by Spiffy Sketch and the Kneaded Erasers

He can run, he can hide
But he can't run long
That feelins' deep down inside
A lady starts cursin'
Starts workin'
Starts dreamin' of his love

Sooner or later
That ol' Clay persuader
Is gonna take over her dreams
She'll start dreamin'
Always wakin' to a smile
When it's time to get up

Well in her mind
All she see's is a dim lit room
So she takes a peek
Well in her heart
She peeks through the door
And there stands the man
In her dreams
Clay Will Be Wearin' a Crown
Nothin' but a crown

She thinks of being bolder
But her Mama always told her
Never come across too easy
You see, a lot of men
Don't know where you've been
And they'll toss you away
It will seem

You start thinkin'
The men all hate you
You feel you're fallin' apart

Well in your smile
Don't give up givin' us that smile
Well it's your style
Don't give up showin' us your style
Clay Will Be Wearin' a Crown
He'll wear nothin' but a crown

Yes, Clay Will Be Wearin' a Crown
Nothin' but a crown
================

Spiffy Sketch and the Kneaded Erasers, an alternative rock group, will be touring North America supporting their debut single. "Clay Will Be Wearin' a Crown" will be available in most major art stores. Plus, if you act today, the single will be free with your purchase of a sketch pad...BUT you MUST act today for this once in a lifetime deal!!! Supplies are limited!! Remember the name Spiffy Sketch and the Kneaded Erasers...they're gonna really stretch their collective wing's and soar to the top of the Alternative Rock chart!!!!

[ACcountryFan]

SCOTT AND GRACE
The lovingly Looney couple are at it again; They're back on the air, no thanks to Jerry, who wanted the couple's show canceled late last year...AC persuaded the show to stay on and now on with the new season!!!

Scott: "The whole story is like this. Grace hasn't fixed me dinner in about 3 days! I've aten things here and there but it's not real food. I wish she'd go back to her regular self!"

Doc: "Sometimes Grace can be that way. She can go for days without being what we view as normal for her. I don't think we should admit her into the hospital yet. Wait a few days and if she's still like this, i'll have some people over and bring her in for observation."

Later, Scott arrives home from the hospital...

Grace: "If you're looking for dinner, it's in a can in the kitchen. I'm not in the mood!!"

This was getting to be a bit annoying; Scott phoned the Doc back and the Doc agreed to allow Grace to be admitted...

Scott: "We're going to the hospital! I'm really worried and so isn't the Doc. A few days in observation should do the trick!!"

Grace: "Are we talking about you or the Doc??"

Scott: "No, no...i'm talking about you! Come on...we're heading for the asylum."

Grace: "NO! I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE!!!!"

Scott: "You hadn't fixed dinner in 4 days! You have basically did nothing but sit and stare into that dad blasted computer screen!!!!"

Grace: "AND I'M GONNA KEEP STARING INTO THIS DAD BLASTED COMPUTER SCREEN, TOO!!!!! I'M NOT DOING ONE DAMN THING UNTIL MY SWEETIE CAKES BLOGS TO ME!!!"

Scott: "Uh, Grace...i think we need to have a little talk about sweetie cakes, don't you?"

Grace: "I can talk about sweetie cakes all day and night and envision him in my dreams and it's so damn freakin' eeeeeeee and all of that kinda stuff!"

Scott: "You've not fixed dinner in 4 days waiting for a blog from sweetie cakes!!! I'm starving!!"

Grace: "I've been starving, too, ya know!!"

Several hours later...

Scott: "Doc, look at her over there. She fell asleep staring at the screen just waiting for sweetie cakes to blog."

Doc: "Clue me in! Who in the hell is sweetie cakes??"

Scott: "Clay Aiken"

Doc: "Oh geeze...that's gonna be tough! My wife suffers from the same incurable OCD. All she does is clings to each and every syllable that passes his lips while when i say good morning dear she looks over, gives me that what the hell are you looking at face, and then she sighs and looks dazily into the computer again."

Scott: "Oh tell me about it! Can your wife squeal like Grace??"

Grace runs into the den and interrupts Scott and Doc...

Scott: "Grace!! Anything wrong??? You ran in here so fast!"

Grace: "He blogged! He blogged!! Sweetie cakes blogged!! Now i have some dinner to fix. It's amazing what a few sentences can do to inspire me to wanna fix dinner for you again!! Man oh man he blogged, he blogged!!"

Doc: "Well, it seems that Grace's spell is over with..."

Scott: "Not quite...just wait until May and June. She'll look at her watch and keep looking at her computer and then glance over at her Clay CDs and DVD's and then look at the computer and then look at her watch and consistently cry out 'is it quite soon YET???"

Doc: "Scott, i feel for you, man, i really do! Thanks for letting me know what i'm in for with my wife in the coming months!!!"

~the end~

[Prissy]

AC,

Great Scott and Grace skit and very appropriate for today!!

Grace is like Meesa;  she's in "Full Blog Alert."

Prissy

[yukino]

For Goodness Sake! Is anyone going to tell me what happened to the Poet's Corner? I'm not angry or anything, don't worry, I would simply like to be informed =) Oh, and I'll have to read one of those skits of yours ACountryFan, since I have not done so yet! Based on people's comments that I have read, they are apparently amusing! 

[Prissy]

Yukino,

The Poet's Corner is now in the Stuff Lounge.  It is the first topic on the Fun Stuff page.  All of your poems are still there.

Prissy

[yukino]

Thank you Prissy!    I was all worried that they got deleted or something-lol!

Love,
Yukino