AIKEN NEWS NETWORK JANUARY 23 & 24

FROM PINK ARMCHAIR AT CV:

CLAY AND KIMMEL: CONAN, MEET KARMA

(Clay's iPhone rings. He's in the kitchen, cheerfully unloading what is clearly party food from various grocery bags. We hear some high-pitched toddler giggling and loud cacophonous piano chords, off. Clay answers the phone.)

Clay (delighted): Jimmy! Feels like it's bin forever. Hold on. (shouts) PARKER, YA BETTER STOP BANGIN' ON THAT PIANO OR YORE GITTIN' A TIME OUT! (Silence, then more giggling, but mercifully, no more piano "stylings." to Kimmel) Come ta think of it, it kinda HAS bin. Merry Christmas 'n' Happy New Year 'n' all that. What's--

Kimmel: I figured I'd better wait a while -- you weren't exactly speaking to me after my little birthday prank, remember?

Clay: Yore what? (dismissively) Oh...pffffft...fergit it. Ah'm too happy right now ta hold a grudge. (sings) "Oh, what a beautiful mo--Ah mean, evenin'...oh, what a beautiful day...Ah gotta beautiful feelin'...everthang's goin' mah way..."

Kimmel: Hey, I think I've got a lousy connection -- I just heard something that sounded like shrill mic feedback.

Clay (laughs): Oh, bite me.

Kimmel (snidely): No, but thanks for asking. Or...speaking of which...what have you been up to that you're suddenly morphing into that singing cowboy dude from Oklahoma? Wait -- maybe I don't wanna know.

Clay (archly): Hey, Ah don't kiss 'n' tell. But Ah wasn't referrin' ta that. Ah'm talkin' about the big late night kerfuffle. Unbelievable!

Kimmel (warming to the subject): Oh, tell me about it! Didja see my takeoff on Leno?

Clay: Classic! Ah couldn't believe y--

Kimmel: I swear I'm still finding bits of spirit gum stuck to my chin.

Clay (slyly): Don'tcha mean chins?

Kimmel: Screw you. Anyway, Leno. How the heck does that guy function with that huge THING jutting out there?

Clay (facetiously): Ah have NO ahdea. (pause) Personally, mah favorite part o' the whole thang was you laughin' rilly hard at yore own unfunny jokes.

Kimmel: Hey, my friend, that's called realism. I'm sure my Emmy nomination is in the mail. And now, will wonders never cease?...Conan's shitcanned as of tomorrow night.

Clay (gleefully): Ah know! Never thought Ah'd see the day. Ah was jest out this afternoon gittin' stuff fer the party.

Kimmel: Oh, you're having a party? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Heh heh heh.

Clay: C'mon...y'know Ah hadta celebrate! One less outlet fer crappy gay innuendo an' cheap nasty potshots. Good riddance! Ah've even got a great sendoff planned.

Kimmel: You do? What's that?

Clay (proudly): Out on the back deck, Ah've got a nice big bag of Raleigh 'n' Durham's poop -- Ah've bin savin' it up fer a couple o' weeks. After the show, we're gonna go out thayre, launch it out inta the middle of the pond out back an' have us a nice old-fashioned bonfire -- y'know, a "Viking funeral" kinda thang.

Kimmel (laughing): Now there's a symbolic gesture if I ever saw one! Just make sure it's plenty far out there -- you don't wanna burn the house down.

Clay: Sounds like you've got some personal experience in the Burning-Bag-o'-Poop arena! Just so ya know, Ah was gonna blow it ta smithereens with a well-placed firecracker, but Jaymes reminded me that Ah prolly wouldn't feel like cleanin' up the mess afterward. An' she's right -- he's not worth the effort. Now that Ah think about it, though, Ah wish Ah'd picked up a whole buncha fireworks -- Parker woulda liked that, Ah'll bet.

Kimmel: Past his bedtime, I hope.

Clay: Well, yeah...but this is a special occasion. As a matter of fact, Ah'm thinkin' o' lobbyin' Congress ta make it a national holiday.

Kimmel (laughs): If anybody can do it, you can. Hey...what's this I hear about you coming to a public television station near me?

Clay (smugly): Yep, it's true. Gonna have mah own special. Ah'll be announcin' somethin' rilly SOON.

Kimmel: Uh huh. As in, sometime before Arbor Day? Well, congrats. Hey...this isn't one of those things where some TV dweeb is gonna try to guilt me into sending a big donation, is it? (deep sonorous announcer voice) "Support this station or it's the end of civilization as we know it!"

Clay: Well, shore it is. (sternly) Don't tell me yore not a member of public television! A pillar o' the community like you.

Kimmel (lying): Oh, yeah. Of course I am. Absolutely. (laughs) So...Lawrence Welk, Big Bird...and you.

Clay: See how Ah jest fit right in thayre? Ah hope yore gonna watch, Jimmy...it's gonna be great.

Kimmel: What're you gonna do on it -- tell me how to manage my money? Help me lose weight? Or are you just gonna clog dance in a puffy shirt with a bunch of cute Irish babes?

Clay (dryly): Jimmy, Ah know it's bin a while, so mebbe it's hard fer ya ta remember that Ah actually DO this...but Ah'm gonna -- git riddy fer it -- SING.

Kimmel: Good God! Now THERE'S a concept. Anybody'd think you had an album coming out or something. And you think people will tune in for that?

Clay: They better -- those stations need money an' it's mah job ta git it fer 'em. So you better cough up, cheapass.

Kimmel: Okay...if I do call in during your show, what do I get?

Clay (shrugs): Ah don't know yet. A mug? A Sesame Street toy? Mebbe a tote bag?

Kimmel (eyeroll): Hmmmm...make it a barf bag and you're on.