Shirley Romano: Clay

Clay - On Stage
by Shirley Romano

So, we know what it's like for us sitting out there in the dark, watching you up there on the stage, doing your thing, singing something you've probably rehearsed or have sung more than fifty times, giving you the opportunity to work your wiles on us, to growl...knowing we'll scream when you do that...touch your chin as a 'thank you' in sign language, or grab your shirt and tug when you sing Invisible.

So many remembered gestures, notes, that make you so dear to us, that give us the rich fields of musical sound that we can recall when you are on 'hiatus'. But Clay, what is it like for you? True, from your vantage point, you see some faces, and the outlines of some faces. Otherwise, it's really just a big, blank, emotional void out there in that darkened theater, and it's more what you hear that you can identify with - the instant applause, the laughter, the I LOVE YOU, CLAY!!!! that invariably comes with every concert, sometimes in the middle of a song, or conversation. And everyone knows whoever said it really, really means it. And you know it too.

But a single person, standing alone with you, away from the chaos and spotlight of fame...well, that cry of love could mean so much to you.

But if the 'I love you Clay' comes from a thousand fans, well all you got is a lot of noise, right? This is a reality that most fans have to learn to deal with, but probably never will.

At some point the screams must become frustrating and in a way, suffocating, because it leaves you with no voice to respond to all that love, and what would you say anyway? " I love you too." I have heard you say this when the moment becomes so tense with need, but you say it to a faceless person, out there in the dark. I suppose you're saying....OK I said it, now share it among yourselves.

The psychology of fan love mystifies me, because of that bouncing ball. From you to us...when you sing...from us back to you...when we applaud and scream.... from you back to us acknowledging the applause and the screams, and once again our response to your nod, or smile, or ‘I love you toos.’ Of course it's the fan who has the last word, because we go home after a concert hugging our fantasies, which are still intact and perhaps stronger, and ever present in our dreams; your voice, your ‘I love yous,’ your laughter, your beauty.

But for you, the silence must be deafening. The instant shift from cloying adoration to business matters, taking off the makeup, getting into comfortable clothes, while the screams and ‘I love yous’ are still reverberating in your ears. Seems unfair, somehow, that you can't take all that emotion with you, carry it around, enjoy it longer, and have it comfort you.

Now is real life. Right now, after the show. You see your friends going off for dinner, to amusements, to their lives, and you have to remind yourself, 'I need to do that.’ I need to go to my life and live it. But nobody's around, they're all gone. There's no one to tell you how you do that.

Sometimes Clay, we lose the road map, we get lost for a while, and just wander about wondering how we got here. But we all have to learn one thing...Clay Onstage is the only reality for a fan. Clay Offstage is Clay's reality and the fans cannot be a part of that. It's Clay's time for personal growth, introspection, friendships and family.

As fans, what greater gift can we give Clay Aiken than to allow him that precious time, so that he will continue to grow as an artist, and appreciate us as his ever expanding and loving 'wind' beneath his wings.
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Copyright 2006 by Shirley Romano. Printed with the permission of the writer.